“Bottoms Up!” Man Down!
Navigating the complex emotions of grief while maintaining sobriety can be very very difficult. The loss of a loved one can trigger overwhelming feelings that may test your commitment to recovery. This is your word of encouragement, and some helpful strategies to implement to avoid falling apart, during those times when you feel like your whole world has.
I have suffered great loss in my life. From close friends, grandparents, and to more recently, my boyfriend, Nick. Loosing Nick has taught me so much in such a very short amount of time.
When an unexpected loss hits, it can be very tempting to want to jump ship yourself. You get hit with anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, remorse, loneliness, hopelessness. The list goes on. The cycle feels like it’s forever going. You’ll feel more than tempted to wanna throw in the towel. Let it all go to shit. Feel nothing. The one thing I can promise you is that won’t help a Goddamn thing.
The best word of advice I can give - just go straight through it. It might be heavy, ugly, sad, painful. But, there’s nothing worse you can do than drag out the process and suffer longer or make a bad situation 10 times worse. Take a moment process the reality of the situation, and head straight through it.
Take care of yourself. The best thing you can do is break it down to the basics. Make sure you are doing your very best to eat some food, drink your water, get some rest. I know something so simple should be easy to check off the list. However, it’s a likely tendency that when we are bearing great grief, we don’t prioritize self-care. These things might seem impossible to bring yourself to do in the moment. But you have to.
You have others counting on you. Even though your focus can not be taken away from the emptiness this loss caused, remain mindful that there are countless others still within your life that need you. The very best you. Whether that be your parents, children, siblings, or close friends. Feel your emotions and take your time to process them within your own due able means, but don’t allow grief to rob you from all those who cherish and love you and are still very much present.
Hold yourself accountable. I know it can be hard to not want to isolate or shut down. Putting yourself in such a position can be very detrimental. Time alone, when you are not in the proper mindset can lead to impulsive or remorseful behaviors to surface or be carried out. And we don’t want that.
Keep your circle close. Friends and loved ones that offer kind words and support, take it. Separation from others can be healthy or necessary within certain means. Surrounding yourself with other people when you are in such emotional turmoil might not sound that appealing, but by all means it can save you from suffering alone, and restrict any harmful thoughts and actions from being carried out. When you find yourself struggling to keep a hold on your emotions, or your mind in check, those you surround yourself with will be there to help you. Let people help you.
Community and support. There are resources out there, utilize them. It might sound like a bunch of nonsense you want no part of, but truthfully they can help. Not only can things like local support groups aid in the healing process, but it gives you an opportunity to connect with others, and form meaningful connections with people whom are going through the same thing that you are.
You have to keep going. As much as you might be mad at the world because it didn’t stop spinning the day your loved one passed - you’re still here. You’re still on it. Do not let grief rob you of the life you’re still intended to live. I know it can be difficult hitting milestones, and making memories when it eternally feels like there’s a piece missing, but don’t do that to yourself. The ones we love are still very much around, we just can’t physically see them. Carry them with you in your heart where ever you go, and with everything you do. They are still cheering you on!
Heal on your own time. There is no time limit on grief. It comes in waves. You might find yourself having a few good days, even noticed that you smiled and laughed again for the first time in what feels like forever… then it comes rushing back. The upset, and turn in your stomach when you come to the realization in a quick moment that your loved one is no longer here and they’re not coming back. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel like that. With great pain, that only goes to say there was even greater love. You will never be fully “over” loosing someone. You just learn to live in a new way. But it doesn’t have to be any less fulfilling.
Numbing it won’t make it disappear. Picking up that drink or that substance will do NOTHING to resolve the pain, if anything it has a tendency to make situations much much worse. So don’t do that to yourself. Your loved ones would not want to see you self destruct if they were here, they don’t want to see it sitting from the other side either. Continue on living life in a sense of being able to live it out fully for the both of you. The person you’re so badly missing, and most importantly yourself. Go on to do great things that you want so badly for yourself, and that they would be smiling with pride to see you go off and accomplish.
We go through endless cycles of emotions when handling the death of a loved one. Anger, frustration, remorse, guilt, loneliness, regret, hopelessness….Grief doesn’t even have to be attached to a departure. You can be battling the same dramatic cycle of feelings and toxic detrimental thoughts when you end a serious relationship, when you mess up your career, when you part ways with a pet, anything that leaves you endlessly searching for a piece of your soul that is indefinitely gone. Navigating these emotions and not allowing them to consume everything we have, and everything we are is the most critical.
Put in the effort to find joy and happiness again. Even in the simplest of things. Lunch with your friends, a movie night with your children, reading a book, going for a walk… even with little to no desire to follow through with them, push yourself. It’s so easy to allow grief to cripple us. Feel every emotion, go through it, and keep moving forward.
While grief is a natural and necessary process, it’s also vital to find ways to honor the memory of the departed and embrace the present. Celebrate them. Remembering them in simple ways, and continuing to do things that were meaningful together can help in the healing process. It’s essential to acknowledge the pain of loss, but also to find meaning and purpose in moving forward. By embracing life and its experiences, individuals can pay tribute to their loved one’s legacy and find solace in the continuation of their own journey. This approach allows for the integration of the past into the present, fostering resilience and a sense of connection that can help ease the burden of grief.
….”after he died my life’s purpose became making my little piece of this world a more beautiful place in his honor; so, anyone who knows me, knows him.”
Continue living abundantly, like your loved ones would want you to do. Take care of yourself and accomplish all the things you set out to in this life time prior to their absence. You don’t have to allow grief to hinder you, you can put in your best efforts to live life with a new found gratitude that we are all just on borrowed time, and we will without a doubt be reunited with them again.
