What’s One Thing You Didn’t Pay Enough Attention To Early On & You Had To Learn The Hard Way?
“A thousand moments I had just taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more”
Over the span of my 30 years here on this earth, I have had to say goodbye and part ways with too many loved ones. Each goodbye holding a variant of significant value, and each one in their own way forever changing my life and entire person indefinitely. We have all encountered some form of loss along the way in our journeys. Greif and the process of healing; adapting to a new form of life with this person now void is a voyage all of its own for everyone.
As I have publicly shared my recovery journey, it goes to emphasize that I spent many years of life associating with other individuals that had shared mirroring demons. These demons are known for swallowing some people whole. Whether that be drug addictions, mental health, impulsive and dangerous associations and behaviors, etc. Meeting and connecting with people while I also indulged in things that stuck me on this path, put me in a position to have to say goodbye to so many of them. With many factors coming into play that took contribution to their passing; one after the next it never gets easier. Unfortunately, there comes a point in time when these hardships finally do set those suffering here on earth free to the other side. As hard as it was to lose everyone that I have, I’ve allowed it to become a catalyst that pushes me to keep doing well for myself. Not only for myself, but in fear of potentially finding myself in the same position… and also in honor of them as well.
Aside from friendships, as many others have experienced …I have lost dear family members. With age and time, comes the natural cycle of life. That means having to accept grandparents, aunts, uncles, relatives across the board who all may have had different levels of involvement or impact on your life from childhood up into adulthood…. accepting the inevitable fact that time goes by, and we all grow, learn, and age. Then God must call us all home.
Having to adapt to a piece of your heart and someone who’s played a role to any extent in your life over all your years can be crippling.
In January 2022 I lost my Nana. She was an immense piece of my everyday life; and my entire heart. She was the glue that held my family together. In my eyes she had all of life's answers. She was my rock. I wish my whole life I was able to see myself through her eyes, because God only knows where that would’ve taken me, or where I would be. She gave me hope when I had none. She reminded me of my worth. She gave me guidance and stern life advice like any typical headstrong loving Italian grandmother would….and I wouldn’t be even half of the woman I am today if God didn’t bless me with her in the first place.
Growing up I spent so much time with her, learning to cook, spending the entire duration of my summers off school at her house, when I wasn’t with her, I would talk to her every single day on the phone. I couldn’t ever imagine the day I would have to go on living life without her in it. As we get older and grow into adulthood, we cherish our memories we have so far created, we look forward to the time we have to create more, and we prepare to some extent that there will come a day in time that we’ll be forced to say goodbye.
January 15th 2022 was that day. Even if we tell ourselves we know it is a part of life, nothing prepares you for the moment you actually come to face it. The heavy emotions, and new adjustments that are forcefully made upon their departure. Life hasn’t been the same since she’s left. Nothing traumatic ripped her away from us in unruly timing, or anything of that extent. She was aging, she got sick, she was unwell, and now she is no longer suffering. God called her home. As much peace as I want that to bring to me, and fully heal my heart from the extent that I miss her daily….It never quite does.
We celebrate holidays, birthdays, good news, milestones, and life changing events now incorporating her memory instead of actually getting to see her gleaming face there with us. We go on living life because we have to, and in the ways in which I know she would want us to. I strive to make her proud in everything that I do.
Life gets busy. People go in different directions. Distractions come. Worries come. Certain things take priority when maybe they really shouldn’t, etc. Even though I knew my Nana had been sick for some time, I lived 16.5 hours away from her when she was at the end of her life. I knew she was not well, I tried my best to take time off work and drive out to see her and visit whenever I got the chance. I tried to call her whenever my busy day-to-day schedule allowed for me to do so. I have been gifted with so many amazing memories with my Nana. One’s that will never fade, and that I’ll keep with me in my heart, forever.
The last trip I took out to see her, I drove from Wisconsin where I reside all the way out to Connecticut. At that exact moment in my life, I separated from the man I was with for the last several years. I was faced with some internal turmoil, I was slowly but surely self-destructing due to the emotional pain tied to all of that. I was trying my very best to hold my head above water and not let anyone close to me friends/family/ especially my Nana know I was really going through a dark dark time.
My Nana worried about me all the time. She knew I had gotten myself back on track after my troubled past, she was so proud of me. She wanted nothing more in this life than to see me happy, healthy, successful, and to be the mother my daughter needed me to be. I strived every day to do just that. In those few dark months, I went back to drinking alcohol. I tried to hide it from the world, but it was extremely difficult as I was failing to uphold all my normal responsibilities. I ended up getting two back-to-back DUI charges to top it all off. Not only was I determined to not let myself fall all the way down, and not get back up… but I did not want my Nana to see me in this state, nor carry the weight of worrying about me as she was not well herself.
Despite my better judgement, I decided to take the time I needed off of work and drive all that way to surprise her with a visit. At this point in time, I was drinking daily. From the time I woke up until it was time for me to pass out. I drove across state, crashed my brand-new Trailblazer on the way. Still got to my final destination after repairing my vehicle and showed up at her house.
As she always is, she was excited to see me. Even though no words were said, I know she knew I was not well. I spent 2 days with her. Just relaxing at the house, watching tv in the den, having a meal with her. Then it was time to get back on the road, and head back.
That was the last time I saw my Nana.
The last time she physically saw me I was 30lbs under my normal weight, reeked of booze, was an emotional mess, and was not mentally or physically present as I wish I could’ve been. As much as I craved time with her because I knew it was limited, I carry the weight of that last encounter with her in my heart every single day.
I allowed other aspects of my life to deuterate me in such a harmful way, that the very last moments I got to spend with my Nana were shared in that way.
Moral of the story and lesson I had to take away from this was never allow outside uncontrollable forces dictate who and what you are ever; never mind to the extent that I did at that time. Because I allowed another person to emotionally disrupt my life, because I allowed normal adult stressors to take over my ability to make proper judgement calls for myself…. I put myself in the position to show up as a person I was not proud of in the slightest. I let those elements deter and take away the final moments I was able to share with my grandmother.
Even though I knew time was limited, because of that factor alone I will always find myself wishing I had more. More time to show her I was the granddaughter she knew me to be. Time ran out and the lesson remained.
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I do my very best to implement this in my life as I move forward. I will always wish I could erase that moment and go back and redo it. There will always be thoughts in my head that wished I called her one more time, or didn’t accidently miss one of her calls because I was busy and would plan to call her back later. There are times when I would butt heads with her because she was trying to direct me in the right way and I thought I had all the answers. When the day came and she was no longer here - when my phone no longer rang for me to see her name pop up.. when my summers didn’t involve packing my bags and going to stay at her house.. when I no longer got letters and cards addressed from her in the mail… It truly puts it all into perspective.
Love the ones you have in your life while you have them. Every moment; cherish. Don’t let ugly things within this world consume you and allow you to let your blessings slip through the cracks, or be sidetracked from the beautiful moments residing right in front of you.
“Before & After: You may find that you begin to measure life before and after they left. And that’s okay. Just make sure whatever you do, whatever tiny grain of strength you have left that you strive to fill up the after as richly and as beautifully as they helped you fill it before. The before is committed to memory now, but the after it totally up to you. Make it count.”
After laying my Nana to rest, life had to go on. The world kept turning. As much as I didn’t want it to. Her passing at the time only made my life that much more unbearable to navigate. I was facing the separation of me and my ex, reestablishing a new start/life for myself, working 3 jobs while facing the legal repercussions of my destructive choices, fighting my way back to being sober, separating myself from the entire world: family and friends. I was just going through the motions every day…. and barely.
Every day I would ask for strength and guidance to get through the day, every night I would pray for the chance to open my eyes tomorrow and do the same. That’s what my life looked like for a while. I was working nonstop to try to keep myself out of jail, and to pay for an ankle bracelet that was put on my leg for the next year due to my drunk driving charges. I retained a felony charge that will stick with me for life, I lost my driving privileges for life, and my brand-new vehicle I just worked so hard to purchase for myself. I was walking to and from all my jobs in the summer heat and when the time came Wisconsin blizzards. I went from owning a beautiful home and starting a life with my ex to moving all of my belongings into a one-bedroom studio apartment above a bar… I was just going through it at that time. It seemed one thing after the next. But I didn’t give up.
I promised myself I would do whatever it took to keep myself out of that hopeless place. I refused to accept these factors were going to take me out. I had come too far. So, for a while that was my life…. I stayed to myself I distanced myself from all my friends. I worked and came home. I did a lot of self-reflecting at this time. It was lonely, but much needed. I knew that then, and I for sure know that looking back now.
Now 2023 rolls around I’ve adapted to my set of circumstances at this point. Living alone, paying my bills, being independent, walking to work, overall making the best of what I could. Truly my outlook on life shifted drastically at that time. As much hardship as I was faced with, I genuinely started to wake up each day with a grateful heart. God gave me a roof over my head, a job so I could take care of what I needed to for myself, he gave me purpose and things to strive for in the future to keep me going, and so forth. Even though on the outside it might seem to others, and for sure for some time felt myself that I was stuck in the rut of despicable elements. I knew I was where I needed to be at that time. God was working in his ways. I had hope that that was only a short pit stop along the way for me. I was right.
2023 comes and I find out now that while I was on my path of self-destruction and minimal self-worth, a one-night hook up turned into me getting pregnant.
Again, God has a sense of humor when it comes to me making careless choices, and there always being drastic measures to prove a point. I’ve adjusted and accepted that. It’s not going to say I have not embarked on my pregnancy journey with an open mind and fearless attitude now. I know everything happens for a reason, and God knew this is what I needed... I couldn’t be more grateful even if the circumstances tied to it were unfortunate. He knows I am capable to handle this, and that’s exactly why He gave it to me to do so.
So, beginning of 2023 I find out I’m about to be a single mother, raising a baby by myself in this one-bedroom apartment above a bar. I stand true in my faith that some way somehow God’s going to help me… and He did.
Nick and I had been friends for many years… we had mutual friends and crossed paths several times as we both went through our recovery journey. We both struggled with substance abuse and had both went through extended periods of time of sobriety. We stayed in touch sporadically via social media or texts. Just friends, asking how one another was doing and what we had going on.
Nick always had the best spirit. Even though he faced his own hardships, he was always a source of positivity for me, and such and awesome care-free person to vent to. He never judged me for a single thing I shared with him. We ran into one another a few times at meetings, or recovery-based retreats… but we never spent any time together one-on-one.
Spring 2023 him and I were talking catching up, and I felt inclined to ask him to hangout. At this point in time like I said I closed myself off from the world. I spent every single day at work, and then right back home by myself. I never invited friends over, and my family lived hours and hours away. So, as I mentioned I decided to ask Nick to come hangout with me, a nice gesture that I thought he would kindly decline which was fine. To my surprise he didn’t.
He came over to hangout, nothing special just as friends. Talked about life, caught up, watched some TV. In the time I unloaded everything on him. About what happened with my prior relationship, me falling off and using for some time, getting pregnant, having legal trouble, etc. Everything that you would think would send any sane person right back out the door, or to sit there and be critical.
I received none of that.
His words to me when we had this first initial conversation face to face remains with me, always. He was compassionate, understanding, comforting, and to be honest the first thing that brought me genuine peace and joy in what felt like forever. I wasn’t under the pressure to impress him, hide things I had going on, I could truly be me around him; my whole self. That feeling was something no other person has ever given me the freedom to do.
I knew with everything I had going on at that time a full-blown relationship wasn’t maybe something I could successfully invest myself in. Only because I knew the things I had been through and were still going through prevented me from being the best possible version of myself. And that was what anyone, especially Nick deserved.
Despite me verbally stating that to him from the beginning, he chooses to just let things be what they would be. He promised to be a part of my life, take things as they came. We clung to one another right away. He had been navigating his own obstacles trying to rebuild his life and maintain sobriety, and I was clearly walking the cliff edge myself trying to put myself back together and plan for whatever my future might look like at this point.
The uncertainty was scary, but Nick was the one thing that relieved me of that. I felt like no matter what the days looked like that were to come, I was going to be alright because I knew I had him. I knew rather quickly he clung to me in the same way. He was between jobs, and isolated himself as well from the world so we became one another's “constant” almost overnight.
Nick never judged my circumstances. He started staying with me in my apartment and became a part of my day to day. With no complaint. He was the first person to come into my life that made my circumstances seem bearable. He walked with me to work every single day. To and from, no matter the weather, he walked me to work every night, and would walk back home, alone. Just to come walking back up in the morning when I got off, so we could go walking right back together. I didn’t have a washing machine or dryer at the time, and here he was middle of the night when I would have a day off work helping my pregnant self carry all our laundry across town to the laundromat. Sitting there with me the entire time doing our clothes. He would stay up at night while I worked my 3rd shift job and clean the apartment or make me a lunch and walk it back up to me and sit with me outside while I ate, then walk back home, just so he could spend a few minutes with me during my shift. Sometime he would wait up all night long for me to get home, just so we could fall asleep and go to bed at the same time together.
Being pregnant and finding out I had underlying health issues as well, my pregnancy wasn’t the easiest. I would fall asleep in bed, then not want to wake him up and move myself to the couch and vice versa… only to wake up moments later he would realize I was gone, and he would be right there next to me on the couch, or he would grab a blanket and curl up on the floor and lay next to me. He never ever left me to be alone.
Many times, without him realizing it he would kiss me on the forehead every night before bed, and every single morning when he woke up. That was the very first thing he would do. I don’t know if he ever knew most of the time that would wake me up, and I‘d go right back to sleep. The love he showed me was the most selfless, purest form of genuine love that anyone has ever or could ever show me. He never asked for anything. He would go without, and without complaint. He might have not had the means to lavish me in materialistic things, but he had means of treating me like I mattered in so many other ways.
Because of the love Nick showed me, and because of the light he made it known he saw me in… he rebuilt me from the inside out as the person I am today. Because of the value he saw in me, I ultimately reestablished so much of my value I had previously lost.
Months went by. Many memories made and shared. Challenges faced together. We delt with normal things everyone does; back and forth arguments, disagreements, both had things individually that we needed to focus or work on so that they didn’t continue to hinder our relationship. Nothing ever made me doubt who he was to me, and the value he held within my eyes.
Life began to change. I resolved my legal issues. Paid my dues. I was getting through and managing my pregnancy and health concerns. I was enjoying my time with Nick, even though we didn’t have the means to do extravagant things, our time spent together was not any less meaningful. I was grateful with family support to be granted the opportunity to move into a brand-new apartment. I left my 3 jobs. We moved. I sought out new employment, and I was excited thinking this would be a new chapter for the both of us.
Nick and I both related on so many levels. Not only with substance abuse, but also within the realms of mental health, traumatic life experiences, and family dynamics. We both carried the weight from our own personal lived experiences and did our very best to be support for one another through that. I know prior to Nick and I being together he had battled his mental health. It was nothing that I thought he wasn’t handling okay. It was nothing I stopped to evaluate more than I know now I should have.
After going through the hell I just had over the past year and half; and finally being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel… I allowed my sight to be blurred on some really important things.
We moved into a new apartment. I was so tied up in stress, worry, and anxiety trying to get everything moved in and set up, finding a new job, paying my now much higher bills, preparing for a new baby…. I allowed all that shit to really rob me. September 2023, when all of these changes were occurring, little did I know this would be the moment that forever altered my life, and not in the way I had anticipated.
Since moving into our new place, I became harder to be around. Not intentionally, the weight of adult responsibilities took its toll. Like I said, I was stressed about maintaining our new place, and what was to come. I felt I had very little time to make sure everything was in order for the baby, and so forth. Nick resided here, and I was starting to explore new job opportunities that took a lot of my focus and attention. Training and hours needed to be put in to uphold this new position. I have struggled with OCD tendencies most of my life. I have a hard time with everything in my home not being a very specific way. My anxieties tied to things like that, even though not intentional can come out as me being unpleasant, or distasteful. I know it can make being around me or sharing a space with me at times a challenge. I try to remain mindful and self-aware and continue working on such.
However, at that time looking back, I was not doing all that much to manage it. I got fully consumed in work and what I needed to do for myself to handle life as it was. Nick with no complaint handled my harsh attitudes or would take time and apologize for things that weren’t even his job to say sorry for. He handled so many situations in a manner that I never would have been capable of. I was always grateful and tried my best to verbalize that to him that he balanced me out. As uptight and wound up that I could be about things… or how I worried and sent myself into these moods tied to expectations, and perfectionism… he calmed me down.
He was free flowing and brought me back to a better space. He would deescalate me when I couldn’t manage to do that myself. As much as I knew I needed and wanted someone with that potential and ability in my life…. I failed to see I was not doing a good job at reassuring him of it. I was failing to reciprocate things in the ways I wish I could have. I remained unaware then … but when his focus remained 100% on me it didn’t make it all that hard for my focus to remain 100% on me as well. As hard as that is to admit, it’s something now I have been forced to really reflect on.
Normal day-to-day life we forget how fragile life is. We automatically get attuned with this unrealistic idea that we have unlimited time. If we have issues, we leave them unresolved, if something happens, we tend to not think before we speak, we happen to let opportunities or moments pass by thinking you’ll take advantage of it the next time it comes about. We waste love and compassion by keeping words left unsaid in moments they are very much needed... We think we have all the time in the world, that we don't remain mindful that that is the farthest thing from the truth.
September 11th Nick walked out of the door of our apartment to go over to his parents' house. They had been out of town for family related matters. It was not unlikely for him to go back and forth. I knew any time he left he would come right back. Anytime we were not together, we were in constant communication.
I remember him walking out the door with his basketball shorts, and Dr. Pepper graphic t-shirt on his black coat, blue drawstring bag in hand gave me a kiss as he walked out the door, turned back around once more gave me another kiss said I love you and I shut the door. I went back upstairs. Dug back into my training for my new job. Hours passed, I spent alone time reading my book, watching some tv… Nothing new.
He had been in touch with me, said he would probably be staying at his parents. He sent me random snapchats of snacking and watching tv and what have you. I again, the next day was very stressed studying for this new job and worrying about passing my testing I needed to complete for it. Nick had known or respected that I might need some personal time to myself to just stay focused on what I needed to get accomplished.
I had recently in the last few weeks neglected our time together. There were moments when I was studying or doing my thing and he was watching a movie alone and things of that nature. Again, in that moment…. you think there will be a “next time.” Another time to sit on the couch and watch that movie, another time to go to bed together at the same time and just talk, another time to sit and have a meal together at the table, another time…… until there isn’t.
A few days had passed, and Nick remained at his parents. Which I felt was odd we never spent that much time apart. He wasn’t fond of spending much time alone. I checked in on him a few times via video chat and messages. I started to feel like something was off. There was something going on he was saying he was sleeping a lot, and he would go hours without responding to me. I was getting upset after repeating this several days in a row. My mind automatically went to the fact that he might have relapsed and been using as no one at this time was at his parents' house, and it seemed he was avoiding coming back to our apartment, which he’s never done.
So, I became frustrated. I accused him of not being truthful with me about whatever he might have had going on. I questioned if he was making good choices, or off associating with people maybe he shouldn't have been. As I feel I might have had every right to be in that position or speak from that standpoint, looking back I wish I never ever would’ve gone with that approach. I was upset with him, assumed he’d been doing wrong. Little did I know he had been struggling.
He was always very open and honest with me. We never hide things from one another, or so I was sure at that time. If there’s one thing, I can reassure you of it’s that you never truly know what someone else could be battling or going through. I know him and I had a strong bond, we shared many things…. but nothing could’ve prepared me for the outcome of our story. His story. While I was so succumbed with my goals, my responsibilities, my worries…. I was unknowingly neglecting and abandoning the one person who needed me most.
His parents returned home from being out of town. His mother had previously reached out to me the day prior asking if I had heard from Nick. We both would hear from him habitually throughout the day if he wasn’t physically with one of us. I told her no, not at that time. I had received a lengthy message from him at the early morning hours, I assumed if he wasn’t answering, he was more than likely sleeping. I remained at the apartment; his parents returned home…. and nothing could ever prepare me for the phone call I received after that.
The moment. The words. The exact day in time that stood still, will forever stay scorched in my memory.
His mother had called me, and I was informed that Nick had passed away. He had taken his own life, and they had returned home to find his body in the garage.
September 16th, 2023, my life changed forever.
I won’t go into the stages of grief I‘ve have to trudge through over these last few months. It’s an ongoing battle. My main message, and purpose behind sharing my story is to carry this message to the next person that needs to hear it.
For the pain and weight I carry every single day to not be experienced by another. Since losing Nick, God has forced me to learn the very hardest of lessons. Some might not know what they have until it’s gone; I’m telling you don’t wait until it’s gone. Some might not know what they have while they have and be failing to appreciate it to the fullest extent while it’s still in their hands. Some may be failing to balance normal every day life and special moments we only get graced with once and then they're gone. Don't remain blind to them. Don’t abuse the opportunities we are given each day to appreciate what we have, see what's right in front of you, be present in all the moments. These are truly the ones of importance, and mean more than any amount of success, money, or material things ever possibly could.
Appreciate those you have while you still have them and celebrate them for everything that they are. Don’t try to fix them, conform them, or bring them to meet your exponential standards. Let them be them; because at the end of the day that’s what you miss most when you no longer have them. What I wouldn’t give for Nick to be here obnoxiously grabbing and licking the side of my face, leaving his face fur in the bathroom sink after shaving, leaving the bed half made, or eating all the cookie dough ice cream we had in the house.
All the little things I spent time and energy on pointing out were unneeded, are the things I crave and miss the absolute most. Be present in every single moment. Put your work down, get off your phone, leave washing the dishes for later. Absolutely none of the things that take away your time and attention are worth a single thought or of a single hair on a fucking rat's ass.
“Having to learn how to live without you is a lesson I never wanted to learn.”
I know it might be inevitable. Life gets busy, we all get distracted, we all lose sight of certain things, and we all allow other things to take top priority that maybe we shouldn’t. I will forever be forced to carry the weight of him needing me to save him and failing to do so. When he needed me, I was not there. I cannot go back in time. I cannot change certain things, arguments, words said, events…. no matter how much I revisit and wish I could with every ounce of my being…. that’s only poisoning myself.
I try every single day to give myself grace. Remind myself that we’re all here; imperfect and flawed, learning and growing as we go. Some days it helps; others nothing lessens the blow… that if I had done things differently, reacted differently, expressed my love differently, voiced my words differently, Nick might still be here. I can’t place the blame solely on myself, or solely on his shortcomings tied to mental health or substances. There is not one person or one specific thing to blame. It’s my firm belief to be a combination of all of it. Some things I know I had no control over. Somethings I know no matter what I said or did I couldn’t rescue him from or fully alleviate them…. however, there are some I know I could’ve; if I only knew now what I didn’t know then.
I can only hope others will never have to encounter what I have with losing Nick…. I am almost sure there are many that have. I am sure I am not the only one who has been faced with tragedy and forced to make sense of picking up the pieces. I’m sure I’m not alone when I discuss the thoughts and emotions of what his passing has resulted in as far as my personal development.
Nick’s passing forever changed the course of my life. It forever changed my outlook on life. It forever changed how I see things, treat people, react to situations, and my overall sense of gratitude for the ones God has chosen to place in my life. There’s no such thing as more time. We are meant to have who and what we have for the duration of time that God intended, and that’s all. Don’t miss a moment of it.
If you have unresolved issues, resolve them. Unsaid words, speak them. Love in your heart, share it. Don’t be blind to the impact you can have in someone's life. One simple kind gesture, simple word, one phone call, can make all the difference to that person's day or what they might be needing at that time.
“I wish I had the chance to tell you, once, twice, ten more times, that I am grateful for you, and every memory we shared.”
Through exceptional loss comes exceptional pain. But the one true factor I try to keep with me always is when there is great pain that can only mean there was great love. I will forever miss Nick. I have fought every day to make sense of this life with him gone. It will be a never-ending battle. If there's one thing I promised for myself, and for him is that this world will still be impacted by his presence. He will never be void. I will go on to share my story. I have made it part of my life's purpose, that anyone that knows me, will also in return know him.
Nick saved me so many ways, and still continues to do so. I strongly encourage you to not take a single thing you are gifted with for granted. Appreciate those small moments, do things with a care-free and open heart, treat others with kindness and compassion, don’t leave things unsaid or undone. Time is for sure the one and only thing we are never promised or ever given enough of. What are you going to do with yours?
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