Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment Styles: Navigating Relationships After Trauma or Substance Abuse
Attachment styles—the ways we connect to and relate with others—are deeply rooted in our upbringing and life experiences. For those who’ve endured challenging childhoods or battled substance abuse, these attachment styles often become even more pronounced.
Two of the most commonly discussed styles in this context are anxious and avoidant attachment. Understanding these can offer valuable insight into the patterns we bring into relationships and help pave the way toward healing and growth.
What Are Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles develop early in life based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional needs. While these patterns are not set in stone, they significantly influence how we approach intimacy and connection as adults.
Anxious Attachment Style: People with an anxious attachment style tend to crave closeness and validation from their partners. They often fear abandonment and may interpret minor issues as signs of rejection. This can lead to behaviors like over-texting, needing constant reassurance, or feeling deeply hurt by perceived slights.
Avoidant Attachment Style: On the other hand, individuals with an avoidant attachment style prioritize independence and self-sufficiency. They may struggle with vulnerability and often create emotional distance in relationships, either consciously or unconsciously, to protect themselves from potential pain.
Both styles are rooted in fear. Anxious attachment stems from a fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment arises from a fear of being overwhelmed or smothered.
In the past, I wouldn’t have known a healthy relationship if it hit me in the face. I’m still learning.
The moment anyone decent would come into my life, my immediate response was to completely demolish its entirety. Then, at the same time, I would find myself clinging to the wrong individuals for dear life. Emotionally unavailable, abusive, and less than minimal effort men trying to win their love.
I found myself in a never ending cycle of failed relationships and hurt. Emotions tied to these connections led me to relapse on more than one account. It took me a long time before I was able to identify the role I was playing in my own suffering and make changes.
How Upbringing Shapes Attachment Styles
Childhood experiences, especially those involving inconsistent or neglectful caregiving, can significantly impact attachment styles:
For Anxious Attachment: Children who receive love and attention unpredictably may grow up feeling unsure of whether their needs will be met. This creates a heightened sensitivity to rejection and an intense need for validation in adult relationships.
For Avoidant Attachment: Conversely, children whose emotional needs were ignored or dismissed may learn to suppress their feelings and rely only on themselves. This often translates to emotional unavailability and discomfort with intimacy later in life.
My anxious attachment was grounded in the feeling of rejection I had from my parents. Their inability to show up for me or validate my worth as a child and young adult, had me searching for that comfort in the wrong places. I always felt I needed to do more to be loved or appreciated. That made itself very apparent when it came to how I showed up in relationships.
I always struggled with being the one to walk away if a relationship was no good me. I never did. I stayed in environments and with individuals that contributed to my decline. The thought of them leaving or not having them in my life would cripple me, send me into depressive episodes, and resort in self-destructive behaviors.
The Role of Substance Abuse in Attachment Patterns
Substance abuse often acts as both a symptom and a catalyst for unhealthy attachment behaviors.
For those with an anxious attachment style, substances might be used as a way to cope with feelings of rejection or self-doubt. For avoidant types, substances can become a means to escape the vulnerability and emotional demands of relationships.
Addiction, whether to substances or behaviors, also disrupts trust and stability in relationships, reinforcing unhealthy attachment cycles. For example:
Anxious individuals may cling even tighter to partners, fearing that their addiction or recovery journey will push loved ones away.
Avoidant individuals might retreat further, using substances as a barrier to keep people at arm’s length.
How These Styles Interact in Relationships
Anxious and avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships together, creating a dynamic sometimes referred to as the "anxious-avoidant trap."
The anxious partner seeks closeness and reassurance, which can feel overwhelming or suffocating to the avoidant partner.
The avoidant partner’s tendency to withdraw triggers the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading to a cycle of pursuit and retreat.
While this dynamic can feel frustrating and even toxic, it also provides an opportunity for growth if both partners are willing to address their patterns and communicate openly.
Steps Toward Healing and Healthy Relationships
Breaking free from these patterns often requires a combination of self-awareness, professional support, and intentional effort. Here are some steps to consider:
Acknowledge Your Attachment Style: Understanding your tendencies is the first step. Reflect on your patterns in past relationships and identify moments where anxious or avoidant behaviors may have surfaced.
Seek Therapy: A therapist, particularly one trained in attachment theory or trauma, can help you explore the roots of your attachment style and work toward healthier patterns.
Practice Mindful Communication: If you’re in a relationship, openly discuss your needs and fears with your partner. Encourage them to share theirs as well, creating a foundation of mutual understanding.
Develop Self-Regulation Skills: For anxious individuals, this might involve learning to soothe yourself during moments of insecurity. For avoidant individuals, it could mean practicing vulnerability and staying present during emotionally charged moments.
Prioritize Recovery: If substance abuse has played a role in your attachment struggles, focus on maintaining sobriety and addressing the underlying issues that contributed to your addiction.
Set Boundaries: Healthy relationships thrive on clear boundaries. Anxious individuals can benefit from learning to respect their partner’s need for space, while avoidant individuals can work on allowing themselves to lean into connection rather than retreating.
Finding Balance After Struggles
Whether you lean toward anxious or avoidant tendencies, remember that growth is always possible. By addressing your past, embracing your present, and intentionally shaping your future, you can create healthier, more fulfilling connections.
Your experiences don’t define you; they inform you. And with self-awareness and effort, you can rewrite any story.
