I Didn’t Come Here To Not Love My Life
We all set these standards for how and what we want our lives to look like. Whether that be getting married and living out “The American Dream” in the house with the white picket fence, becoming a doctor after years of strenuous schooling, or traveling the world and embracing newfound adventures. Everyone has dreams, goals, and aspirations.
It’s never an easy route to get there.
Let’s never forget to reflect on the beauty and countless milestones on our way on up. Sometimes our lives might take a totally different turn. We end up somewhere we never quite thought that we would.
I know for myself it always seemed like life had a way of pulling me in the opposite direction of where I was trying to go. I felt more times than I can even count that I envisioned where I was headed and doing all that I could to take steps to get there, just to end up completely rerouted.
Some life choices were made more carelessly than others. I had no set intentions of going to your typical weekend high school house party and ending up traveling down a dark road of countless years consumed in hard drug use. That was a wild ride. But I can tell you with the utmost confidence, that it was none the less still filled with many hidden miracles, blessings, and life lessons. I might not of been all that attentive in the moment, but oh were they there.
As I found my way to a life of sobriety I’m able to look back on all the things that I missed. I try to allow these realizations to carry over with how I handle life in the present moment.
It’s challenging as all hell when you’re in the midst's of the fire to put yourself in the position to perceive things as if you’ve already made it out. It’s easier to have a positive outlook on certain situations when you’ve already surpassed them. The best thing I could ever do for myself was work on how I handled the fire as I was walking through it.
I can revisit the times that I prayed to God for certain things to work out in my favor. I remember so vividly asking Him for things that would help bring me to the life I thought I so badly wanted. Just to end up feeling unheard and disappointed.
I felt like when something did not go my way, or remained out of my control that was God’s way of punishing me or His way of saying I didn’t deserve these things.
I have come to learn that He knows better than I ever could. He has a preplanned path dedicated just for me. All the times I’ve spent worried, sad, or disgusted over the outcome of a situation all due to the fact it didn’t work out in my favor, my automatic response was always very poor.
All the relationships that broke my heart, the job opportunities that flopped, my finances that never skyrocketed, the betrayals held within meaningful friendships…every circumstance in which I perceived it as being the end of the world; or mine at least…. was all redirection that was most necessary.
If one singular event in my life had differed, like I at one point in time I hoped and prayed that it would, I would not have every last thing that I do in my life today. To think about that; it has installed such an unmeasurable amount of gratitude within.
Years ago I never would've pictured the life that I have today. It’s forever changing. But still, in this exact moment… I can think back and I KNOW I never once thought that I would get clean. I never for a second thought that I would go to college. I never for a second thought that I would be a mother. The list is endless.
I was so sure many heartbreaks ago that my first failed relationship was going to be the death of me. I was never going to make it in life without him. I was never going to be happy again. I was so sure while I sat in jail incarcerated for a years time that I was never going to make it through that, and life was over for me. I was never going to amount to anything and my whole life was complete shit.
I never could’ve potentially put the pieces together and imaged the string of events that would accumulate to all lead me to where I am now. NEVER. If I could go back in time and tell younger me everything was going to be okay I would. Not that I would believe it anyways. But I do now.
Life does not dismiss anyone from hardships. The trials and tribulations just keep coming, it’s inevitable. If there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that they’ve become a lot easier to bear resting assured that nothing has taken me out thus far, and any upcoming battle will be no different. I spend more time embracing life's blows now, instead of avoiding them.
I spend time each and every day building my relationship with God. There have been moments of questioning if that’s the right choice. I have come to fully learn that the closer I keep Him to me, the enemy is following right behind just as strong trying to tear me away. The true testament of my faith has been continuing on despite the unfortunate setbacks. God has proven Himself faithful. In all the moments I thought He was void. He reassures me just as quickly that He’s been with me the entire time.
I’ve spent a lot of unnecessary time cussing up at the sky; wondering why God forces me to do everything the hard way. I’ve shown bold frustrations for not getting my own way. Anger pent up over feeling like He wasn’t hearing a single word that I was saying because my requests weren’t being fulfilled… Then He shows me just as quickly…
He knows what He’s doing.
Just because it might seem like things are not working out in my favor, God is still making sure that they do.
He hears me. Not sometimes, but all the time. In His right timing and by His own means. All the times I might feel like He’s dismissing my requests, are only due to his plans for leading me to much better. I whole heartedly believe that. Because I’ve now seen it. He has never let a opportunity pass that reveals His decisions purpose, and I have learned to be grateful for them all.
I trust whatever life has in store for me. Living life with this mindset has allowed me to turn my frustrations and fears into excitement and anticipation. I’ll never know what lays up ahead, but I believe it’s far more beautiful than I can ever think to imagine.
As you continue on your journey of sober self-care and personal growth, remember that you are not alone. Reach out to your higher power, whatever that may mean to you - whether it's God, the universe, a spiritual force, or the collective wisdom of humanity. Allow yourself to be guided by a sense of purpose and meaning that extends beyond your own individual experience.
Trust that there is a plan, a reason, a silver lining to be found in even the most challenging of circumstances. When you feel lost or discouraged, turn your gaze upwards and inwards, reconnecting with the profound knowledge that you are part of something greater. Your struggles, your triumphs, your very existence - it all has a purpose, a significance that extends far beyond what you can see in the moment.
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