I Hate You- Please Don’t Leave Me
Loving someone struggling with addiction can be an incredibly complex and emotionally taxing experience. The rollercoaster of hope and heartbreak, the worry and the guilt, the boundaries crossed and trust broken - it's a lot to bear. I know, because I've been there.
I have been the addict.
I have also been the one loving the addict.
I've walked that painful path, and I've come out the other side with a deeper understanding of the unique challenges faced by the loved ones of those battling substance abuse. If you find yourself in this position, please know, you are not alone.
The feelings of frustration, resentment, and even utter hopelessness are all too common. But, there is help and there is hope!
Through my own journey, I've learned strategies for setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and navigating the complex emotions that come with loving an addict.
I'm here to share those insights with you, to provide a compassionate ear and practical guidance as you navigate this incredibly difficult situation.
The impact of addiction on relationships is profound, leading to emotional disconnection, codependency, and enabling behaviors. Many individuals in such relationships struggle with the fear of intimacy and find it difficult to form meaningful connections.
Despite the difficulties, there are stories of hope and recovery, where couples have worked together to rebuild their emotional connection and create a healthier, more loving relationship. It’s not impossible; but it is a long and strenuous journey that requires mutual efforts.
“Addicts have problems in their relationships because their primary attachment isn’t to their spouse, but to their drug of choice.”
When I was stuck in the midsts of my addiction, I was incapable of loving or caring for anyone on an emotional level. That doesn’t go to say, I didn’t have feelings, or form severe attachments - I certainly did. There’s a difference.
I was hindered completely from ever forming healthy, happy, and meaningful connections.
The work that I failed to put into myself, strongly reflected in the partners I ended up with. When you are stuck in the grasp of addiction, you don’t have the capability to maintain balance between what you need to do to take care of yourself to be of good use for someone else, or the capability to direct your focus on another individual’s needs, wants, and desires.
When I was in active addiction, my focus mainly resided in my daily use, how I was going to use, or finding means to use. Where does that leave time for putting in the proper efforts to build a meaningful connection? It doesn’t.
The basic principles for any relationship: trust, honesty, morality, personal values, loyalty, and so forth are all sacrificed and almost completely void right out of the gate.
This doesn’t go to say the individual struggling to stay sober, isn’t capable of upholding or possessing these qualities - It simply means the use of substances doesn’t allow that person to correctly fulfill them.
When I was with my ex and using, I carried all the love I thought possible for him in my heart, but the reality of it was, that I wasn’t able to properly accept and reciprocate that love.
Lies were getting told to conceal my use. Trust was broken after promises were made, but never carried out. My lack of self-love in addition to personal insecurities were expressed in outraged anger. It’s just not something you would ever want to sign yourself up for.
Codependency, is a common term that gets highlighted immensely when it comes to a topic such as this. In active addiction, it’s a likely occurrence for the user to establish a sense of codependency with their partner. This stems from many different places, and to a multitude of different levels.
Codependency, is when one individual generates an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on their partner. This can be very very very unhealthy for both involved.
As addicts, we tend to cling to others, for means of providing us with the things we essentially need to, and should be, providing for ourselves. This puts great strain on a relationship. When the users’ expectations are not being met by their partner it can be crippling. When expectations are set and expected of you, it can be extremely stressful, defeating, and hurtful.
I can think back to my relationship, when things finally came to an end, I genuinely did not think I was going to make it. I thought at that time, because he had finally decided he had had enough, that I genuinely couldn’t go a day living life without him.
As addicts, we have the potential to put those we genuinely care for in a really really tough position. I didn’t fully understand the harsh reality of what I was putting others through, until I found myself on the other side of it.
After years of struggling with substance abuse, I’m thankful for finding my way to a life of sobriety. Along my journey, many lessons were learned, and milestones achieved. Not until you get yourself far enough out of that hole, does the brain fog truly start to lift, and you’re able to perceive things in a much more realistic and insightful manner.
One of the hardest pieces of finding recovery, was having to sit back and watch some of those I cared for lose their lives to addiction, close caskets on friends, and continue to watch them self-destruct in the most horrific ways right before my eyes - knowing that I was completely helpless and incapable of saving them. Having to set boundaries for my own well-being, was a difficult thing to do. In a romantic sense especially.
When you have someone tied to your heart, it hurts you just as much as it hurts them, to watch them struggle and suffer. So, what do we do?
“The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up.”
Once I hit a few years sober, I found myself in a relationship with someone I was so sure was “IT” for me. This man knew how proud I was of my sobriety, it was something I took very seriously. It was engrained into who I was. He seemed perfect, and had a lot of great things going for him.
Shortly after we started dating, he openly told me that he liked to party, and he would from time-to-time use cocaine and drink alcohol. I knew from the beginning what I needed to do for my own well-being. I knew that even though he dismissed it as harmless, that it held the potential to be our biggest downfall. And, ultimately it was.
He was not willing to give up his habits, and because he felt his use didn’t completely consume his life, that I was supposed to remain unbothered. And I tried for a while…
It came to a point, that the only fights we ever had, were tied directly to his use. He would lie to me about using, sporadically take off from the house and not come back until the morning hours, get himself into legal trouble, or I would recognize his off behaviors and know he was under to influence (which of course was extremely trigger some for me).
He convinced me for some time, that because it was never an all-day everyday occurrence, he never brought it around me, and that he was always responsible, that if I loved him, I was going to stop causing problems and arguments over it.
Yeah, shit didn’t really work out that way.
His inability to recognize the problem, take any form of accountability, and his unwillingness to implement any sort of change, meant the problem only continued on and on….and on.
My failure to stick to my own boundaries and prioritize my own well-being, from the beginning, is what landed me in very unpleasant circumstances. I set myself up for tremendous failure.
What went from some sort of fairytale, and me wanting to spend the rest of my life with this man - turned into my impulsivity and addictive behaviors resurfacing. I ended up feeling like I was being left out. If you can’t beat them, join them, right? Wrong answer, Heidi. I ended up relapsing and went back to drinking. My failure to fend for myself, led me right back to the place I just worked so hard to get myself out of.
What’s worse than one person actively using in a relationship? Two.
Our relationship went straight into the ground. We fought, beat one another up, there was betrayal, there were tears, and for him, now a 5-year prison bid.
Everyone’s relationship is one of its own. My story doesn’t dictate the outcome for all, obviously. But the one thing I hope you can take away from my story is just how impactful our partners actions, words, and behaviors can be.
For someone who’s trying to love an addict there's room for so many misconceptions, misunderstanding, hurt, and overall defeat.
You might find yourself questioning your self-worth, wondering why they can’t seem to choose you over their drug of choice, creating your own anger and resentments, etc. It can be one of the cruelest positions to ever find yourself in - when you know who someone is outside of their use, but they are unwilling to take any sort of recognition, or make change happen.
Loving an addict comes with an unlimited amount of exhaustion, stress, anxiety, and burnout. It takes a complete and utter toll on all areas of your life.
So, what are you going to do? As I’m sure you have heard before - you cannot make someone get better. They have to make that choice for themselves. So, what if they don’t? It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you. It just simply means, they’re not ready to take the steps necessary, and that’s for their very own reasons. And, their reasons only. Don’t allow them to put the blame on you, for not wanting to be stuck in the same miserable hell that they’re in.
Standing your ground with your decisions, can hurt like hell. No one ever wants to feel like they turned their back on someone that they love. But the truth is, sometimes there are no other options. It does not mean that you given up on them. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them. It just means you have to choose to love yourself more.
Please don’t be discouraged. Don’t feel like the person you love, is a lost cause - that all hope is gone. Know, if you have to make a difficult decision in relation to where your relationship is headed, for the better benefit of you both, it’s okay.
Be confident knowing that it was with made with nothing but the best intent. You can always provide love and support within reasoning circumstances. Take care of yourself. Show support by whatever means are reasonable and due able for you. With support, understanding, and a commitment to recovery, it is possible for couples to navigate these challenges and build a stronger, more loving bond. Nothing is ever impossible.
While the path to recovery as a couple may be challenging, with proper treatment, planning, and care, it is possible to establish a renewed, healthy relationship through hard work and unwavering love.
Navigating a road to recovery, all the while maintaining your relationship may just be one of those most challenging things you’ll ever be faced to do, but it doesn’t go without reward. Success stories are not unheard of. Nothing, or no one is ever too far gone. Recovery is possible. Stay Strong.
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