Brand New Bit*h
It may come as no surprise when I tell you the time, I spent in active addiction had a way of morphing the person I was; mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The shit completely depleted me. I was long past gone off the path of my true potential and greatest self. Since getting sober, I’m still of course a work in progress..but aren’t we all? That doesn’t go to dismiss some of the things I have been able to gratefully reflect on that changed since starting my recovery journey.
To some these might not seem like major milestones, but I’ll continue to pat myself on the back. When you become so accused to labeling yourself as the walking shit show (or as my mother would call me “Hurricane Heidi.”) and habitually bringing that nonsense with you everywhere you go; making some of these mundane life changes can end up being truly profound and pivotal. Well, for me they were.
Self Care- Through some basic and consistent self-disciple once I got sober I had to retrain myself how to do the basics. Like eat, bathe, sleep, dress, you get the point. No exaggeration when you’re stuck in the cycle of using; whatever substance it takes a major toll on all of these areas. Unintentionally or not, we tend to let physical appearance and our basic human needs fall to the back burner, which of course has a beautiful effect. We either sleep for 24 hours straight, or are up for 5 days at a time. Balanced meals? Yeah, get out of here. I’m usually someone who enjoys having herself put together, wear make up, look presentable for all occasions… I’ll tell you when addiction lead me to being homeless residing under a bridge and being strung out on hard drugs I was the farthest thing from being in pristine condition.
When I got sober I found joy in putting appearance together again. Dressing in a cute cleanly washed outfit and having my hair and makeup on. It’s amazing what confidence you start to regain when you go from looking like something that crawled out of the ground back to the person you know you are. So word of advice want a major mood boost? Get your ass up, take a shower, brush your teeth, throw yourself together, and take a look in the mirror.
Honesty- I stopped lying. Period. While in active addiction I had myself believing my own lies and trust me I had accumulated quite a few. When I decided to get sober and really do this thing, I realized I couldn’t be bothered to carry the weight of any of that bullshit anymore. I know it might seem easier said than done… but it’s not. Just stop lying.
I looked at it this way; I had already let down the people I cared for most to the most extreme extents… how much more could they really be disappointed? It can only go up from here! I promise! Even though I knew being truthful would potentially bring forth and resurface some tough things, we all get to face the music at some point, right? “Secrets keep us sick.” That’s a saying I heard within the NA community, and it’s forever stuck with me, and it’s 100% fact. I knew if I couldn’t be bothered to get honest with myself and others, I was fu*ked.
Responsibilities - Who even likes the sound of that word? To be honest my addiction robbed me of any and all responsibilities a woman my age would normally be expected to uphold; like bills and a job. I remember the very first job I got was at Subway. My first paycheck was a little over 200$ and I’ve never felt more on top of the world. Before this point, I had never had a job. I was living on bare minimums with what help my parents gave me, or I was pawning everything in their homes to afford my habits. Not my proudest moments, but were past that.
Sobriety gave me a sense of reliability. Come to find out when I wasn’t completely loaded, I showed up for work faithfully every single day, and was a positive asset to a team. Sadly, I am not still living out my dreams in the sandwich artist career field. However, I have continued and carried the same values and attributes forward with me into my other employment opportunities.
Relationships- When this sober thing finally kicked in after MANY failed attempts let’s just say I didn’t have a massive squad cheering me on. I caused a lot of destruction throughout my using. Like ALOT. No one really had much faith in me, no one believed a single word that came out of my mouth, friends and family remained indifferent towards me, for good while. The beginning of this was difficult, I won’t lie. It was very lonely.
I’m here to reassure you that things don’t stay that way forever. I found out that when I consciously decided to make one right decision after the next, no matter how small, that shit really adds up, and by doing so I slowly but surely started proving myself to those around me. I wanna make note that the people or “friends” that I thought I had and mattered. They didn’t. They Don’t.
You find out in recovery rather quickly who your true friends are. I drastically changed the way I pick and choose my friends today. If someone isn’t healthy for me, doesn’t inspire or drive me to be better, or doesn’t add value to my life… then they’re only going to contribute to being a part of my downfall and I can’t have that.
My relationship with both of my parents was completely abolished. Today they are amazing. Trust has been rebuilt, communication and honesty are always present, and unconditional love and support was regained.
Happiness- When I sobered up I felt like I had no clue who I even was. I spent all of my time for so long focusing on getting my next fix, and not being in my right mind that when the fog lifted …it was just me left there… not knowing what the hell to even do with myself. Can you think back to a time in school when the teacher asked everyone to go around and introduce themselves? And panic sets in and you’re thinking “ sh*t who am I? What do I like? “ Ready to choke on the lump of anxiety that’s stuck in your windpipe? Ya sobering up is a lot like that… except the lack of identity and internal happiness remains void for just a little bit longer than that.
Growing up I remember seeing friends or other individuals who had such a passion for things and were so ingulfed in their likings (dancing, horse back riding, drawing, etc.) I remember always wishing I had something I found that interesting to actually care about it, and show a morsal of devotion to.
When I got sober I made it a point to not sit there in misery and twiddle my thumbs. I explored and found hobbies and things I ended up enjoying, and that I still incorporate immensely into my every day life now that majorly impact my ability to maintain my sobriety.
I love reading, I have built up quite the personal library. I journal, and found a love for writing. I enjoy being creative and artistic. I found joy in interior design, and expressing myself through my home decor. I strongly encourage others to dig deep and try new things, you might be surprised what captures your interest.
Since choosing this path of recovery, I have embraced a multitude of positive changes that have reshaped my existence in the most beautiful ways. From fostering genuine and meaningful connections with others who understand this journey, to rediscovering my very own resilience and strength. The impact of sobriety has been nothing short of transformative.
Through the lens, I have found the courage to confront internal struggles, break free from the constraints of addiction, and pursue a life filled with authenticity and purpose. Each day, I am reminded of the boundless possibilities that await. I am filled with gratitude for the opportunities, growth, and joy that sobriety has brought into my life. This journey is a testament to the incredible power of change and the true unwavering resilience of the human spirit.
As I continue to embrace this new way of living, I am filled with hope and excitement for the future; knowing that each step forward is a celebration of the profound transformation that being sober has ignited within me. My hope is that this sparks a fire under the next persons ass as well. Go get the life you deserve. Make the changes you’ve been avoiding making. Stop surviving, and start living. There’s much more in store on the other side of the musty shithole you might be stuck in now. I wouldn’t steer you wrong!
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