Welcome To Hell
Narcissistic abuse is a pervasive and damaging form of mistreatment that can have long-lasting effects on an individual's well-being. Understanding this complex issue and finding a path to recovery is crucial for those who have experienced it.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse encompasses a range of manipulative behaviors, including emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological control. It often occurs in relationships where one person seeks to exert power and dominance over the other.
Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is the first step toward addressing it. The impact of narcissistic abuse can be profound; leading to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, and even physical abuse. Survivors may struggle with self-esteem and trust issues, and the trauma of the experience can linger long after the relationship has ended.
You might be asking yourself “Am I’m in a narcissistic relationship?” or “How will I know if the person I’m with is a narcissist?” Here’s the quickest and easiest way I can answer that for you.. if you are currently in one or have had the overall joy of experiencing one.. then you already know the answers to both of these questions. When you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship, and the mask comes off; once you become aware of the signs, and repetitive behavioral patterns… you can’t unsee them. The answer is very well known and evident. Helpful tip of the day: the moment you start googling someone’s behavior in an effort to understand it, that’s probably the biggest red flag you will ever need.
“Narcissists always see themselves as the victims. No matter how horribly they’ve treated someone else. To them the problem is not their lying, cheating, stealing, and abuse. The problem is that you started to notice those things.”
You might tend to think narcissists carry themselves with a certain facade. Some might think they tend to carry themselves as extroverted, flamboyant, or confidently and strongly natured. That is rarely the case. The truth is these narcissistic tendencies can reside within anyone. They do not discriminate. A portion of what accumulates the amount of damage and emotional destress that comes from these relationships, is the fact that in the very beginning this individual was the complete opposite. They didn’t portray or give any indicators of being able to carry out the means of being so cruel. Since signs aren’t so apparent in the very beginning, you end up completely misjudging the situation.
I speak on this issue from the very things I experienced. Narcissistic abuse is not a term that should be loosely labeled onto others whom might struggle from other internal or external conflicts. Genuine narcissistic abuse is something that took a grapple hold of my entire life and whole being. It shed me of everything I was, it stripped me of any outside and meaningful relationships/connections that I had, it made me question my sanity, it pushed me to respond to the rest of the world in an ugly and misconstrued manner, it darkened my heart and ruined my perception on love, it lead me back to a path of drinking and numbing my emotions after countless years of continued sobriety, the list goes on.
The traumatic and lasting effects of narcissistic abuse is no joke. Even long after coming to the reality that the person I was so madly in love with was Satan…. and I came up with an exit strategy; it was not that cut and dry. The permanent and lasting effects of this sort of thing linger on. The things that I encountered mentally, emotionally, and physically all became so engrained into the person I allowed him to conform me into becoming. It took a tremendous amount of strength and willpower to not only leave this person; but to start and rebuild myself, and reestablish a sense of “normalcy” again. For others, I’m sure, as well as myself, that was never fully regained.
It took me about a year and a half into my relationship before I started to take my heart shaped glasses off. I was living the fairytale I always wished I would. Things were perfect. Too perfect. He made me feel special, he did nice things for me, he took me places, we shared so many laughs and good times, wonderful memories were being made. I had never been so sure of anything in my life, like I was of him.
Common Indicators:
Narcissists form relationships based on what the other person can do for them. Whether that be emotionally or physically their desire to form a connection or attachment is never genuine. Narcissists completely lack the ability to feel or express empathy or genuine compassion. NOT CAPABLE. It’s an Oscar Worthy performance is what that is.
Narcissists usually spot and strive to go for someone who has something that they need or want. During the downhill spiral of my relationship, I found myself thinking “There must be something wrong with me.” “I must have done something wrong to be where I am at right now.” No Sir. There was nothing wrong with me. That’s exactly why I was the best possible candidate that he chose to seek out.
Narcissists need a constant “supply” someone who is feeding all the areas in which they personally lack. If you pay attention, it’s rather evident that narcissists are never alone. They cycle through “relationships” going from one supply until they are completely drained and onto the very next. More times than none, it’s a repetitive cycle of the same people. While he was with me, he was in constant communication with and trying to resolve things with his ex. After he kicked me to the curb, and started seeing someone while we were still together… he came back and was trying to rekindle what we had. The cycle never ends, it never stops. No one is more special than the other.
Narcissists terminate all other friendships or relationships that you had prior to them being a part of your life. They put in sufficient effort to make sure you think they are all you need. Slowey but SURLY they weed out every single one.
In no time at all, and without you even realizing it you’ve already become brainwashed and conditioned into thinking this man/woman is all you’ll ever need, and that these behaviors are “normal.” You don’t pinpoint the unhealthy and toxic elements right away. Not until this person decides to wipe their hands of you (which they will) and you get to take a good hard cold look around to see not a single soul is left there. And that’s the entire point.
Narcissists stories don’t ever match reality. They are all about their pride and ego. They never do any wrong, there’s always someone or something else to blame. ALWAYS.
Narcissists are the first to engage in distasteful and harmful behaviors, and they’re also the first to judge and pass harsh criticism. As humans we are all perfectly flawed. However, a narcissist will never be taking any accountability for their own shortcomings; the moment you illustrate a sign of weakness or known vulnerability they’re going to seek the opportunity fully, and tear you the fu*k down.
Get On & Get Going:
It’s not salvageable. I’m going to save you the extra amount of heartache and time, aside from what you’re already bearing. It’s not fixable. I’m going to tell you now, as someone who spent countless amounts of energy and tears trying to revive something that was dead to begin with… you can’t fix it. You can’t save them. Whatever lie you are telling yourself, to make their actions and mistreatment towards you justifiable, it’s only prolonging and worsening your pain. It doesn’t get better. The longer you allow yourself to stay interconnected to this person, your signing up for nothing but chaos and disaster. Even though you might have that little voice in your head telling you you haven’t exhausted all of your resources yet, and you can’t go on living without them… I promise you wholeheartedly you can. The ultimatum they’re forcefully putting onto you; to stay and endure their bullsh*t for the sake of love is not normal and no one deserves that. They will do anything to condition you to believe that you won’t be alright without them, that you will never find anyone else, or you will never truly be happy again if you walk away. Don’t believe that sh*t.
“You can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed, but you can ruin your life trying. And that’s the thing, we go around in circles trying to fix this person, and it’s usually the same person who’s hurt us the most. You’ve got to start focusing back on yourself.”
- Daniel Chidiac
I feel it is important and entirely appropriate to make it known that there is a major difference between someone who struggles with a mental health disorder vs. a personality disorder. Things such as depression and anxiety usually correlate to chemical imbalances, and can be treated with the right help being sought out, or prescribed medication. A personality disorder such as narcissism, is sourced from repetitive stimuli-reward environment. At some point in this person life they realized they could elicit specific reactions and emotions from people, and it felt good and helped them achieve their self-fulfilling agendas.
You can’t fix them. They don’t want to be fixed.
“Stop being shocked by repeated behavior. Notice patterns and believe them.”
Oh, How The Tables Have Turned:
There are certain things that narcissists just can’t and simply don’t handle well. You taking your power back, is one of them. So be prepared when you make the conscious decision to walk away what that’s going to look like…
Play along. You reach a point where you are so tapped out on every level, that you loose all desire to even create an argument. You’ve accepted that no matter what the situation might be, you’re always in the wrong, and nothing you say or do has ever and will ever result in any form of a full resolution. So, you let it be. Remain indifferent. Nothing deserves a response from you from this point on.
When they finally catch on, or you make it known that your relationship has run it’s course and you decide to end things before they have the opportunity to effortlessly discard you themselves; this put’s the narcissist in a position to have their ego and pride severely inflicted. Narcissists have a tendency to put their partner through such severe emotional and mental turmoil that when they start to identify the damage they’ve done to you, they use it as an opportunity to dispose of you like a literal piece of worthless trash.
I will forever remember the empty hollow feeling in my chest when the person I thought was my “forever” looked me in my face blatantly told me he was seeing someone else behind my back, to pack my stuff and get out of our house, threw everything I ever confided in him with in my face, and told me he was done with me. It absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t even manage to grasp the fact that he was the same person.
Do not allow yourself to glorify them any further. Do not cry, beg, or make yourself sick over trying to win them back. Trust me when I say that lack of empathy they have allows them to completely disconnect from your pain. The more of a response you give them, the more it puts them up on their own self inclined pedestal. They do not feel bad. They will not show you sympathy. They have no remorse. They’re going to make you feel like a literal embarrassment to yourself, for breaking down and showing such emotions. Do yourself the biggest favor you ever can, and gather what’s left of yourself and walk the fu*k out the door. You’re better than that.
The moment a narcissist can pick up on the fact you’ve moved on with your life, or that you’re adjusting to their finalized departure… you won’t have to ever question “will they come back?” Ha! Oh they will! And they do.
They’re going to put in their best efforts. When something goes sour with their current “supply” or they get wind that you are doing well for yourself again, even in the slightest sense…they come right back. It’s up to you to not allow them to control and corrupt what you’ve so desperately tried to put back together for yourself. I know it’s a lot easier said than done. Unlike the narcissist, your emotions and feelings tied to this person were heartfelt, so breaking things off and starting over again can be a grueling and difficult process to work through. So please, when you are in a easily targetable position like that, it is not uncommon that the narcissist come back with a 5 star rated apology and ends up sweeping you back up into their web. They are going to say how sorry they are; how they didn’t realize how great they had it with you, how you’re amazing in every way, and then promise you the sun and the moon. THEY DON’T MEAN IT. If you go back let me know how that works out for you. Want to bet money on the fact that in a few weeks time you’re right back where you left off, or more times than not even worse off? Bet.
So, you finally decide to put your foot down. You’re not going back. You make that point very clear. The narcissist will once again deplete you; remind you that since you just made him/ her take a major blow to the gut they didn’t really want you back anyways and pretend to go their own way; unphased. Sorry, to burst your bubble… but this isn’t the end either.
A Narcissist will “hoover” over you. This means that they will do anything and everything in their power to disrupt any progress or progression you’ve made. Regardless of what they might be telling you, they want you to be sad, lonely, miserable, and unhappy when you are without them. They want you to come running and pleaded your way back to them. They want your only source of happiness, joy, or fulfillment to come from them, and them only.
Expect to see forms of sabotage. Whatever they are made aware of that you have in your life, they are going to set out ways and means to destroy it. That can be anything, future potential relationships, jobs, friendships, etc.
When I packed up my belongings and moved into my own place after me and ex broke up, he made my life a literal hell.
Expect a narcissist to try to manage the impressions of others. Of course, they are going to parade around town and to anyone that is willing to listen and glorify what a terrible person you are and all the bad you’ve done.
It’s Your Time Dear:
It’s time to do everything in your power to free yourself of this mess. You owe it to yourself to not withstand any more of this nonsense. The portion of things that remain in your control, I strongly encourage you to be firm and stand tall in your ability to regain a beautiful life for yourself. Do not allow this person to torment you a moment longer. Do not go back to the same situations that you already prayed your way out of.
Seek support. Cling to friends and family. Allow them to be there for you, be honest and transparent about your circumstances. I know my close friends and family spotted the red flags far before I did; or before I was ever willing to acknowledge them. I was crushed; and mostly embarrassed by my situation. So, I know it might seem difficult, and you might find yourself not to wanting to seek outside support; but it’s for your very best interest. It helps to have people around you to give you comfort and show a sense of understanding and compassion. Truly.
The aftermath of a narcissistic relationship can be far from a pretty sight, but you hold all the power and resilience in the world to overcome it. Don’t allow anyone else ever to justify who you, what your worth, or what you deserve.
“The damage from the trauma is most apparent after the source of the trauma leaves.” - Lysa Terkeurst
When you finally accept and see the narcissist for who they TRULY are and not who you hoped they would be, and you’re overcome with utter disgust instead of missing them and the “good times”… That is the exact moment your healing journey starts accelerating and puts you on the path to feeling free from the mental anguish they’ve inflicted on you. There’s a life on the other side of hell, I promise.
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