Thanks For Speaking To The Winner In Me Before I Started Winning
It takes one person to show you that they have faith in you, when it may seem like the rest of the world has given up such hope.
I spent countless years ruining myself, my relationships, my entire life. Family, friends, and coworkers only chose to go through the motions for so long. They have a tendency of loving you from afar or falling off all together. In most cases, I couldn’t blame them. Who would ever want to sign up for this shit? The chaos and constant havoc that lingered with me wherever I went while in active addition is something I myself wished I could run away from, why would I be surprised when others chose to?
I had accumulated a lengthy criminal record. I treated my good friends poorly. I clung to the people who helped bury me deeper in the hole I was already in. I was the farthest thing from reliable. My parents had absolutely no trust in me and had to live in their own homes constantly walking on eggshells. Everyone that was around me usually felt the aftermath and consequences of doing so. I reached a point where I genuinely lost all ability to care; about myself and for sure others. Unfortunately.
I can honestly say now since maintaining my sobriety, and leading a totally different life that the things I put everyone through was unfair, cruel, and more than likely heartbreaking. Now that I have 2 daughters of my own, if I go back and reflect on the things my parents experienced with me and had to relive that with them God forbid, I truly don’t know if I could ever handle it.
My parents went through hell with me. They both had to sit back and watch me slowly die in front of their faces, and there wasn’t a single thing they could do about it. They had exhausted themselves, and every program manageable under the sun. They had to lock up their money, deal with their possessions being stolen, their vehicles being stolen and totaled. The list goes on. I do not display these events to be boastful. However, it’s just crazy to me to think back and revisit them and see the extreme measures and circumstances the road of drugs and alcohol lead me to. Crazy.
It shouldn’t be that shocking when I tell you that when I finally made the decision to really try this sober thing, I didn’t have a cheerleading squad on the sidelines pushing me to do well every single day. The exact opposite actually.
Friends and family had already been stuck in this nightmare with me for so long, they were so sick and tired of hearing my bullshit. They had become so accused to me telling them everything that they wanted to hear just to get my way. So, when it really came time for the big show, I genuinely had no one feeding me any sort of reassurance that I might actually be able to do the thing.
Which only lit that fire under my ass that much more.
Nothing motivated me more than the thought of doing exactly what everybody thought I couldn’t. It was not easy. I still have bad days, as everyone does. But the lack of people showing up for me was all the push I needed to prove them all wrong.
Self-motivation goes a long way. In the very beginning it was hard as hell to find. When you spend however long participating in a life that’s less than pleasant, you have a tendency to not think very highly of yourself. I think it’s a pretty general statement to make; that when we don’t take care of ourselves and are consumed in self-destructive behaviors it only has a tendency to completely deplete your self-worth and self-esteem.
I put this moto in my head: That no matter how bad life seemed, or how shitty the situation I was in was I was going to convince myself otherwise in order to help keep myself moving forward.
If I’m forced to eat a shit sandwich, I’m going to do so, and tell myself that it’s a piece of cake. The more I told myself that it was a piece of cake.. weirdly enough I started to believe it.
Your mindset is everything.
What you think dictates how you feel and how you feel dictates how you act.
So, for I don’t know how many continuous days in a row I ate that shit sandwich; without complaint, because to me it was a double stacked vanilla layered delight with cream cheese frosting and rainbow sprinkles.
The longer I was able to keep myself going and started to make one right decision after the next, my support network started to come back together. The smallest consistencies really made a difference. My parents were able to notice even with me living 16.5 hours away, that I was heading in a much better direction.
In this life we unfortunately only get the pleasure of dictating our own words and actions, not others. This is where I ran into a bit of a problem. I thought because I had done the hard part and cleaned myself up, that the rest of the world was going to follow suit and things were going to be all lemon drops and gum drops from here on out. WRONGO!
It seemed like even though I was taking better care of myself and was staying sober certain things still wouldn’t line up for me.
We can’t erase our pasts. We can only dedicate ourselves to learning from them and being better. But sometimes, not everyone agrees with that philosophy.
I struggled with finding a decent job. Hey, I’m not picky. I’ve learned to become quite adaptable after the run around I was on while in active addiction. I needed something that would realistically and financially keep my head above water. I know I am smart, and I have a skill set that would make me a great candidate to be successful in countless positions. But are employers going to hire me when they don’t know me other than the fresh face sitting across from them at their desk and looking at a piece of paper? NO. A resume with barely any employment history and a background check that’s going to come back 20 pages long? NO. But I was determined to figure this out. I had put myself in the position to not only be seeking employment, but I was also without a vehicle or license. I had racked up four OWI charges before the age of 30 and they pulled my driving privileges, indefinitely.
Rather nice of them. But that’s okay. Again, I can’t change the past. I’m grateful and was headed towards a new future. That’s all that matters.
Where I was living at the time was a very small town. There were minimal employment opportunities to begin with, never mind one’s that would fall into the category of hiring me.
For the hell of it, I decided to walk down the road, only 3 houses down there was an assisted living facility. I mentally prepared myself to be turned away. Me? Work in the healthcare field? With no prior experience? Drug charges on my record? Yeah, it wasn’t looking promising before I even walked in the door. Fuck it.
I walked inside and was greeted right away. I asked if they were hiring, and if I could have a job application. The woman pulled me into her office and sat me down. She asked me if I was looking for a job, and that they were looking for immediate help. I panicked. I wasn’t prepared for an onsite interview like this.
In interviews prior, I won’t lie, I did my best to fluff up my story. To make it seem like the reasoning behind the noted employment gaps wasn’t based on my drug use and the time I was incarcerated. Or I would fabricate whatever I felt necessary in order to avoid owning my truth… well because honestly, common sense?
I always felt my ability to be a good worker shouldn’t be determined based on my past, when I was doing everything in my power to be better. I had come to accept and understand that certain places weren’t willing to take the chances, waste their time, or worry about me being any sort of liability. So, I would swallow each dismissal and keep it moving. It became rather defeating.
I’m sitting in the office about to watch this entire interview plumet, as this woman goes on to ask me, “And why is it that you want to work here?”
Without any hesitation I state without a single studder, “I just got an OWI, I lost my license, I have no means of transportation, this facility is in walking distance of my house, I’m a really good worker, and I just really really need a job. That’s why.” I almost passed out. I could not believe I just allowed that to come out of my mouth.
She doesn’t say anything for a brief moment.
And then…
She looks at me and goes, “Be here tomorrow at 7am to start your training.”
I looked at her in complete disbelief. “I’m hired?” I asked. She then goes to say, “Absolutely. I’m all for giving anyone that is trying a chance. Best case scenario I hire you and you’re a fantastic employee. Worst case scenario you’re not and we let you go. But I have a good feeling about you.”
This woman, a complete stranger to me up until this very moment did more for me right then and there then just give me a job.
I started working at the assisted living facility and went on to work there for almost 3 amazing years, before moving onto the next chapter of my life.
In the time I was given there, it opened the door to so many other things for me. I built wonderful relationships with my coworkers. I built wonderful relationships with my patients. I learned so many valuable skills from working in that field. It genuinely changed my life. I was able to gain insight and medical knowledge as I began working hands on and taking care of my patients. I went on and was able to have my training and schooling paid for by the company to fulfill my medication administrative certification. Who would’ve thought… the recovering addict would be passing out narcotics? And making an impact on other people's lives? Wild.
I took great pride in my job. I put my entire heart and soul into that place, all because of one person giving me the chance to do so.
I will forever be thankful for my boss taking a chance on me. By doing so she has encouraged me to never stop taking chances on myself.
Don’t ever give up on yourself. Don’t allow others misconceptions to ever hinder your growth or stop you from thinking you can’t live a happy and fulfilled life all because you fucked up at one point. The possibilities are still endless.
