“I’m Always Here”
Photo By Author: Handwritten Note From Nick
Loss and grief are something this life hands us all on it’s own given time. No matter the situation or circumstances that bring it about, these emotions can be extremely difficult to work through for everyone. The dramatic toll of losing someone we cherish can be life-altering.
I am no stranger to saying farewell to close friends and loved ones. The lifestyle I chose, and the path I took for many years allowed me to meet and connect with people who shared similar destructive choices. For some of them, the outcome of their lives was ended in the short term. Not only has that realization been heartbreaking and sent me on my discovery of strength and healing, but it greatly impacted the way I perceived life moving forward.
I have experienced the loss of loved ones and family members, that even though we try to prepare ourselves for and know might be upcoming, do not lessen the blow any when it actually occurs.
I lost my Nana in January of 2022. Even though she was in poor health and I did all that I could to protect and cherish whatever time I had left with her, when she passed I found my life was still forever altered. Moving forward was difficult without her.
Recently hardship hit again, when my boyfriend Nick took his own life. The pain tied to his passing is still so fresh and raw that I know I have not even scratched the surface when it comes to the healing journey I am about to embark on. Again, life has been totally and completely altered. It will never be the same.
Everyone has to some degree, faced the horrors of having to go on with their lives without someone they love by their side. The important thing to focus on, is how and why we must continue forward. How we can and should put our very best efforts into changing the dynamic of the circumstances.
Although pain and expressing our emotional turmoil is necessary, we cannot allow it to keep us stuck. When it comes to anyone, not only those who suffer from substance abuse, or mental health-related concerns - death impacts us all. We all need our own time and to follow our own direct path to getting better.
They say that love is the answer to everything. Love binds us together eternally. Love carries us through. Love gives us all a sense of purpose.
Especially in the dark moments when we lose grasp of the fact that there will be light again. “The world keeps turning, it is you who decides to stop.” I think it is important to remind one another and ourselves in times of immense pain that we cannot ‘stop’.
You will never stop missing your person. It is not something that is curable or will ever fully dissipate. We must learn how to live in a new way, and that does not mean void of happiness and joy.
I am not a professional by any means. I am not preaching to others as if I have this shit all figured out. I speak from where I sit at this exact moment, working through my own daily battles, accepting how and why I had to say goodbye to Nick.
I can’t change the outcome. There is no answer that can possibly be provided that’ll make this all make sense, or make it all okay. I can only take a deep breath and figure out what is in my control. I know no matter how much he is missed and how much I, along with many others, wish they understood or could change what happened - we cannot.
As much as it hurts to accept life on life terms - it is inevitable for us all. Do not allow pain and sorrow from the ones we love most, and who love us equally in return, be the thing that makes you ‘stop’. Take your time to process, reach out, feel your emotions, practice good self-care, etc.
But do not stay stuck.
Your loved ones would not want that for you, and you should not want that for you. We may not be able to see it at the time, but the universe is always working in our favor. It never leaves us completely desolate. There are still blessings ahead, and you are going to get there!
“Love is the bridge between you and everything.”
It may seem easy to sink into a rabbit hole and mentally deteriorate from the fact our loved ones have been taken away. That is why it is so important to change your perspective. Easier said than done, trust me I know.
I know Nick would want me to go on living life, for the both of us. As your loved ones are wishing the same for you. As impossible as it may seem now, open yourself up to healing. You can still live a fulfilled life and skip out on the destructive and negative components we all succumb when handling these sorts of obstacles. I promise.
One of the books I have linked below goes to state that when someone we love leaves us, they take their personality and memories with them. Just because we can no longer see them, does not mean they are not still with us. Just because they are not here with us, does not mean they have forgotten about us, or that the connection and bond is severed. If anything, it is noted that those relationships only continue to grow and intensify.
They say when someone leaves us not only are they alleviated of all their earth bound ailments, but they are still learning and growing on the other side, alongside us. They see things and have gained wisdom and insight on things that they could not in the physical world.
It is very difficult to go about your day-to-day life and feel the void of that person's presence. However, find great comfort in the fact that does not mean they are gone forever. The more you become comfortable with acknowledging that fact, the more peace it can bring to your life. The ones we love do not want us to be hurting or struggling.
If grasping this concept is a struggle, it comes with great understanding. Everyone is on their own journey. The biggest piece of losing someone we love is the knowledge and lessons attached to it.
How we implement and carry that with us as we move forward. Love outweighs it all. That is what you must remind yourself of. Any remorse, regrets, guilt, and so forth that you may have attached to someone's departure. Let it go.
We are all here on borrowed time. Time is the most precious thing we have. It's very easy to get swept into the motions and stressors of life, but don’t let that distract you from what’s most important.
Appreciate your blessings. In good and bad times, appreciate the things you have in your life. Do not allow petty things to consume you and restrict you from showing others compassion, understanding, patience, and love.
Do not allow anger, resentment, greed, and jealousy to cloud your character and result in treating others poorly. Do not set requirements for others to meet, setting them up for failure. Do not see others ‘shortcomings’ as your opportunity to ‘fix them.’ Do not pass judgment on others whom you have not related to walking in their shoes. Do not make assumptions or conclusions in areas you should not be critical of.
Not everyone get’s the chance to see another tomorrow. So, cherish the things you have and the people around you, always. No one has ever regretted being kind. Love others as they are. In times where they might fall short of loving themselves, use that as an opportunity to remind them of the value they hold.
We are all connected to one another in some shape or form. We do not meet people by accident. Everything serves a purpose. We all have the capability to make one another's lives better. It would be doing the ones we love a great injustice if their passing left us unchanged.
While Nick was still here, he would constantly voice the various ways in which I helped him. Intentionally sought out or not - I was grateful for him making me feel like I held such significance and importance in his life.
I always tried reciprocating to the best of my abilities. I didn't remain mindful, as most of us don't, of the countless other times and opportunities that came and went where I could've shown more love, appreciation, and genuine gratitude. The best way I have tried to press on moving forward - isn't clinging to the past; but carrying on sharing the importance with others to not miss those same opportunities.
God sent Nick to me for what felt like such a short time. For the time I did have, I am forever grateful. Even if I fell short of being that constant reminder to Nick of the significant role he always and whole heartedly held. I can however continue living life in a way that proves to him he did and always still will.
As should we all. Nick had said to me before, ‘‘I saved him” ... and ultimately and in so many ways - he also saved me.
Losing someone is never easy. But we can use these experiences to become better, do better, and reach our highest potentials with the time we are given left. There's hope to still be shed in times of sorrow. The ones we love are still holding our hands at all times. Find comfort in that.
If you or anyone you know is struggling, please reach out! There are resources available. Remember, you are never ever alone!
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Additional Tools & Helpful Resources:
With It's OK That You're Not OK, Megan Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we help others who have endured tragedy. Having experienced grief from both sides - as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner - Megan writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss, love, and healing. She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal, "happy" life, replacing it with a far healthier middle path, one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it.
On this unabridged audio recording read by the author, Megan offers stories, research, life tips, and creative and mindfulness-based practices to guide us through an experience we all must face. With Megan's gentle but direct guidance, you'll learn:
Why well-meaning advice, therapy, and spiritual wisdom so often end up making it harder for people in grief
How challenging the myths of grief - doing away with stages, timetables, and unrealistic ideals about how grief should unfold - allows us to accept it as a mystery to be honored instead of a problem to solve
Practical guidance for managing stress, improving sleep, and decreasing anxiety without trying to "fix" your pain
Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged, dismissed, and misunderstood by a culture that wants to "solve" grief. Megan writes, "Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution." It's OK That You're Not OK is a book for grieving people, those who love them, and all those seeking to love themselves - and each other - better.
Each year about eight million Americans suffer the death of someone close to them. Now, for those who face the challenges of sudden death, there is a hand to hold. Written by two women who have experienced sudden loss, this updated edition of the best-selling bereavement classic will touch, comfort, uplift and console. Authors Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D., offer a comforting hand to hold for those who are grieving the sudden death of a loved one.
Featured on ABC World News, Friends, and many other shows, this book acts as a touchstone of sanity through difficult times. I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye covers such difficult topics as the first few weeks, suicide, death of a child, children and grief, funerals and rituals, physical effects, homicide and depression. With new material covering the unique circumstances of loss, men and women's grieving styles, religion and faith, myths and misunderstandings, I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye reflects the shifting face of grief.
This book has offered solace to over 80,000 people, ranging from seniors to teenagers and from the newly bereaved to those who lost a loved one years ago. Individuals engulfed by the immediate aftermath will find a special chapter covering the first few weeks.
Tapping their personal histories and drawing on numerous interviews, authors Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, Ph.D., explore unexpected death and its role in the cycle of life. I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye provides survivors with a rock-steady anchor from which to weather the storm of pain and begin to rebuild their lives.
