It’s The Help I Didn’t Get That Helped Me The Most
Back for as long as I can remember I had a real big problem when it came to my active listening skills. It was a personal choice I suppose. Still not quite sure why. I must have found some enjoyment of always taking the harder route.
Growing up I was constantly at war with my parents. Myself. Then, upgraded to the law. It wasn’t boing I’ll tell you that much.
My inability to effectively comprehend that those who loved and cared for me spoke from the standpoint of only wanting what's best for me, put me in a position to navigate most of my hardships on my own. Solo. One Amigo. Me. Myself. And I. But that’s all I needed anyways, right?
If there’s one thing that has come from me pulling my head out of my ass and finding my way back to the light and living a life in recovery as I do now, it’s the acceptance and appreciation gained for all of those troubling moments I endured.
This is not me preaching and encouraging you all to tell everyone else around you to fu*k off and go falling off the deep end. That’s not the message here, so please don’t be misconstrued.
This is my way and means of validating that by being forced to face certain obstacles in the ways that I did; it had unknowingly led me to the outcome that was much needed. My path and my journey was intended to go the way that it has. For that I am forever grateful.
I have learned to appreciate all that I have in my life today; and who I have in my life today after going so long with those things being void. I will forever remember vividly all those moments I went without. Without my daughter, without my parents, and without God.
Life has humbled me greatly from the things I have seen firsthand all of those years I struggled using meth and heroin. Things I can’t unsee. Things I can’t undo. Things that push me every day to never go back and revisit them personally face-to-face.
The path I chose was not a joyous one, but everything that it was, shaped me into everything that I am.
I have been made aware of my strength. When life hands me hardships, as it hands us all, I’m able to swallow it in a poised manner; knowing that I ‘ve already conquered a multitude of things that were sent to destroy me.
When someone other than myself tries to dictate and define me, I simply let sh*t go right in one ear and directly out the other. I won’t pay mind to that nonsense. My own validation and personal descriptions are all that I worry about, and they’ve been firmly implanted with confidence since the day I picked myself up and walked my way out of that hell.
No longer playing Russian roulette with my life allowed me to perceive time in a whole different realm. We’re never promised more. We’re never possibly given enough. So, I stopped throwing mine away. I take in every moment that I possibly can. Conversations with my parents, a smile on my daughter's face, a breath of fresh air when I go outside to retrieve my mail.
I have given myself grace. The same that God has faithfully given to me, even in my most undeserving of times. His failure to give up on me has allowed me to not only never want to give up on myself, but to also show mercy on others who need it as much as I always will. I forgive myself for all the times I didn’t know what I know now. I stay mindful that we’re all just trying to figure this life out, and it’s not my job to make anyone’s road that much worst to travel down. We’re all usually somewhat aware of our shortcomings, it’s not my job to enunciate yours. It’s important to me to show kindness to others. I have not forgotten all the moments in which I could’ve used some of that for myself.
And with that…
I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for yesterday. And I’m grateful for a new tomorrow.
Be well.
Thank you for reading.
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