What’s One Thing That’s Happened To You That Made You Believe That God Was Real?
One Addicts Story:
Growing up I came from a “normal” family. I knew it was important to believe in God. I went to church on the regular Christmas or Easter occasion, and that about sums it up. Today, after all the twists and turns my life has taken… I have a stronger bond with my Higher Power than I ever thought imaginable.
I was not always able to see the power of Him working in my life. I was not able to see Him directing my paths and protecting me in some truly unfathomable circumstances. Looking back from where I sit today, I can see crystal clear…. He was holding my hand the entire time.
As I grew up into my troubled adolescent years, I found the only time I prayed was when I found myself in remorseful situations. Weekend house party and I’m drunk off my ass and puking? You bet I’m saying a prayer. “Lord help me get through this and I promise I won’t ever drink again”…. until next weekend. That sort of thing. That was the extent of what my relationship with God looked like for a good while.
“God brings and allows you to go into certain places and positions because He knows you’ll bring Him with you there.”
I tended to make it a habit to only talk to God or beg Him when I was in dire need, making requests, or had no “better” options. When I would find myself in trouble with the law you could find me begging Him to please get me out of this. When I was sentenced to over a year in jail, I sat in my cell staring at the wall asking Him to get me the hell out of there. When I was looking for my next high, I was asking Him for means of money. You know the important stuff….
During the years of my active drug addiction, I had zero comprehension of what having a relationship with God meant, or what Him being present in my life truly consisted of. I was madder at Him than anything; putting all the blame on Him for how my life turned out - because of course absolutely nothing at all was ever my fault. My lack of self-awareness hindered my ability to have any sort of faith in God whatsoever.
The more I continued down myself destructive spiral I would tell myself that God was punishing me. That He didn’t care about me. That I deserved the life I was living…and I kept living it that way.
My years of active addiction led me to some very scary, dark, and life-threatening places. While I was presently living in it, I paid no mind to the protection and love God was showing me that entire time. The countless times he showed me grace and mercy and gave me ample opportunities to stay here on this earth and live the life He truly intended for me to.
It wasn’t until 2017 that my entire perspective changed. June 7th 2017 to be exact.
To sum things up for you… my drug addicted lifestyle had landed me in Indiana. I grew up and lived in New York my whole entire life. After countless years of hell my parents endured, treatment centers and programs failed, and trouble with the law accumulating …. I had relocated to Indiana where an old friend of mine lived. My resources in New York were all tapped out. Everyone was beyond tired of my shit. My parents couldn’t sit back and watch me kill myself any longer. No one believed in a single word I said. I had no friends left besides the people I was getting high with. I had no job. I had lost custody of my daughter. I had literally nothing left. So fresh out of jail after a year I get out and have nowhere to go. I go out to Indiana to live with my friend, and low and behold I go right back to what I know, and what’s surrounding me on a day-to-day basis. Drugs. Now I’m states away from what has always been my home, with no one but the very few people I introduced myself to to get high as soon as I landed in Indiana.
As you can probably predict, it took no time at all to put myself completely and totally into the ground. It was very bad. My use was at an all-time high, and I had no one. My one friend I originally moved out there to stay with ended up packing up shop and moving back to New York leaving me behind. So here I am not a single clue what I’m doing with myself, or where the hell I’m even headed. Literally, every single day at this point I was just playing Russian roulette with my life. And to be totally honest I was beyond the point of even caring. There were days I asked God to please just take me because I was tired of living the way I was.
So now at this point I’m homeless; on the streets of Columbus IN. I had nothing but the clothes on my back, an extra pair of leggings and t-shirt in my bookbag, along with my cellphone which didn’t work unless connected to WIFI, and surprisingly enough this purple bound leather bible that I had been gifted from someone while sitting in jail back in NY. I still am unsure at the time why I clung onto that bible since I had received it.. but I did. While I was drugging and doing my thing, I can’t say I remember opening it very much, but I made sure it stayed with me.
Once I found myself homeless on the streets, the reality set in and I’ve never been more scared. Being in an unfamiliar place; knowing no one, and not knowing anything around you, being hours and hours from your parents…. this was the first time ever I was made aware of how truly on my own I was. I was totally and utterly fucked.
I ended up finding my way to this shelter. I walked for what felt like 100 miles to get there and they have a policy that it’s “first come first serve” doors open 6pm-9pm and whoever is waiting there first gets a bed. Once they fill up, doors close. So, I get to this shelter.. I wait in this long line of other troubled individuals ALLLLL day long, just for them to end up having to turn me away. I was beside myself. I was crying telling the lady that worked there my story and begging her to let me stay I needed a bed. No can do. As I’m walking away this guy steps out of the line and looks at me and says, “I’m not going to let you stay out here on your own.”
I know what you’re thinking. A random strange man that you came in contact with at the local shelter should be very alarming. At this point it was a chance I was willing to take. I had no means of taking care of myself. Before this point I had never been on the streets likely truly been on the streets. I had no food, no place to sleep, not a single penny to my name…. literally nothing. Luckily for me in this moment, this was God sending me some help.
Terry was his name. Terry was older than me mid-thirties and had been on the streets himself for some time so he helped me in every way that I couldn’t help myself. He showed me around town on foot where certain things were, and he truly helped me survive. We would walk to the hospital, and he knew to go up to the 3rd floor because they had a public water fountain. He would leave me in one location and then tell me he’d be right back and come back with some food for us, and so forth. This guy truly was my saving grace the time. I still remember and think of him often to this day.
As we spent time together, he made sure nothing happened to me, he helped me in every way that he could, we got to know one another and share our personal life stories. All I’ll say is sometimes you can meet some of the greatest people in the most uncanny and unexpected places. He had the best heart, and I’m so very grateful God had our paths cross.
It might not come as a shock when I inform you that Terry had a drug problem as well; a mutual factor in what lead us both to be in the predicament that we were in in the first place. Go figure. So, when he could he was also taking off and getting stuff for us to continue getting high. I was doing as much as it took to get my mind off of the fact of what my reality was and what my life had turned into…. but trust me I was not having a good time.
I can vividly remember the day. Terry had just brought us back some stuff to do. I was sitting there with him on the rocks underneath a bridge on 2nd street. I remember sitting there in silence and finally taking it all in.
The reality of where I was; all that had happened to get me to this point. I remember for the first time taking a deep breath. I remember coming to the realization of where I had landed myself. The “normal” girl who grew up in a “normal” middle class household, who grew up helping her dad on the family farm, the girl who had a family that loved her, the one that was smart and did well in school, the girl that loved music, art, and being outdoors, the girl who once had good friends, and loved to laugh and make others laugh…. ya that girl…. how she ended up in a random state with a complete stranger under a bride doing what your stereotypical “junkie” would be doing…
The truth of it all hit me. Hard. I sat there and, in that moment,… I fully accepted that drugs were going to take my life. I remember feeling the internal defeat. I remember tears in my eyes, and just telling myself “You really did it Heidi. This is where your road ends. There’s no fixing all of this, you’re too far gone. You’re truly going to die out here, just like this.” Way to go. I remember these thoughts rushing to me and me sadly accepting them. I remember mentally going through a script in my head telling my mom, dad, and daughter I was so very sorry that this is what I turned into and that the drugs had to be the thing that took me out. I remember telling God “It’s okay. I accept the fact that I brought myself here. And it’s okay that this is the end for me.”
No sooner did I finish that hopeless thought; literally seconds later my cellphone (that’s service was shut off) rang…..
I pull it out of my bag and don’t recognize the number… I answer it and this gentleman is on the other end and says “Hey Kid, how’s it going? This is Brad. I’m a friend of your dads and I was just reaching out to see how you were doing. Your dad mentioned you were kind of going through a rough time, and I wanted to just let you know you’re not alone.”
Little did I know at this time, even though I had not been in constant communication with my family back in NY they still knew I was struggling tremendously. I put my parents in the position to have to demonstrate to this day what I know as the most difficult form of tough love you can image. When I had called my father to ask for help, his response to me was “I’m not moving you back home Heidi so I can watch you die in front of my face.” In the moment, I hated him for that. But I know no one knew what to do for me anymore after a while. However, little did I know that my father was still trying his best to save my life. He had on his own reached out to Brad a good friend of his whom he knew had 27 years of sobriety himself, and a background in addiction. My parents as much love as they had for me, and tried to help me lacked some understanding or willingness to learn when it came to my behaviors and drug use… both my parents are hardworking do not smoke, don’t drink, have never done drugs, etc… so when it came to me, I sent them both for a whirlwind and they just genuinely didn’t know what to do anyone. So, my father reached out to Brad and informed him briefly of what was going on with me in hopes that maybe he could steer me in a better direction.
No one expected what would come of that one phone call.
I remember when I picked up the phone and that one simple sentence was said “You’re not alone kid.” and what it meant to me. Brad right then and there says to me “I’m going to ask you one time kid; do you want to change your life?” I had no idea what that meant, nor did I even really know who this guy was… but I responded “Uhm… yeah.” Then he says to me “Ok. All I need you to do is get on the plane.” At this point I’m so confused. He asks me for my exact location, and I give it to him….
He tells me to gather whatever belongings I have, and he would be calling me right back. I hang up the phone. Fill Terry in on what was just said. Tried convincing myself this was some sort of joke. I had absolutely no clue what was going on, where I was going, or what Brad really meant. I was scared shitless. I remember telling Terry I changed my mind; I wasn’t going anywhere and that I was going to stay put there with him. Terry then looks at me and tries talking some sense into me. He looks at me and says “do you realize how lucky you are? If this guy is offering to really help you… get you out of here… get out of this place? You have to do this! I won’t let you throw this chance away” I recall going through so many emotions in that moment. I know I had been asking for any way out of the life I was stuck in, but never thought that was going to present itself as a possibility… I remember feeling scared of the unknown, thinking about where I was going, the thought of not using drugs anymore and actually getting off the stuff was terrifying to even think about.
Brad calls me back right away and tells me to stay put. He had called a taxi to come and get me, and he had sent me my plane tickets. He arranged all the travel; all he reassured me to do was trust him and to get on the plane… so that’s what I did. The taxi came. I parted ways with Terry. I did the rest of my stuff and disposed of all my contraband in the airport bathroom, and I was headed off to God knows where. As I walked through that airport, I’ll never forget each step I took towards the gate. With my blistered feet and broken flip flop, I counted each and every step. I had no idea still what was really going on. I go back now and know this entire time some force greater than myself was pushing me to get out of there and onto that plane.
June 7th, 2017, I got on that plane, and landed in Central Wisconsin. That’s the day my entire life changed. I got off that plane after falling asleep on the poor lady seated next to me and Brad was there greeting me. No judgement passed for the fact I couldn’t tell you the last time I bathed or brushed my teeth. He took me to get some food, and then we headed for “home”. He brings me to his house where I meet his amazing wife and two step kids. They welcome me with open arms. And this was the start to my brand-new life.
I currently still reside in Wisconsin. I never returned to New York. This is where I was able to rebuild, refocus, and repair all the damage from the years I spent drugging and deconstructing. I’ll be honest these last 7 years since moving out here have not been without hardship, challenges, and some turbulence, but that can be expected. Recovery is a personal journey, that’s never linear. However, those trails were only steppingstones on my way to getting better. I thank Brad and his family for having faith in me, when I had lost all faith in myself. The love, acceptance, and support I was given so freely from them is something I could never ever repay. They allowed me the opportunity to literally start over; start fresh.
Since getting off that plane, the girl who started with absolutely nothing…. ya well she went on to maintain her sobriety, find employment, get her own apartment, regain visitation and is an actively participating parent to her first daughter and just gave birth to another baby girl, has mended and has great relationships with both of her parents, and has gone on to pursue an education and career in substance abuse counseling and helping others….
That day I got on that plane saved my life.
That day I got on that plane… that was God answering my prayers. I tell this story because I’ve never been surer after that experience that God is real; and that he heard me talking to Him while sitting underneath that bridge. When I was ready to throw the towel in on myself, He immediately proved He wasn’t going to let me do that. That one profound moment gave me a newfound faith, and a sense of hope. One that stayed with me permanently. And that’s why I share my story with others today.
I think back now on all the ugly affairs in my life that my addiction had brought me to, and I now see how God lead me through each and every one of them. He has allowed me to survive 100% of all my bad days thus far. I know without a doubt without his guidance, I wouldn’t have survived even the half of it.
It’s hard think about what my life would be…or wouldn’t be if I didn’t get on that plane. All the beautiful things I’ve been blessed with to have in my life today; and all that I would have truly missed out on. Sometimes especially in troubling times it might seem like God doesn’t hear you. I promise you, He does. Sometimes what comes off as his void is really him redirecting or protecting us. He has greater plans in store for all of us, far beyond anything we can ever comprehend. Be patient, stay kind to yourself, and keep the faith. He’s always right there.
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