The Time I Lost
To those who have not personally experienced the grasping hold addiction can have on an individual, or witnessed a loved one suffer… then this message probably won’t be for you. I speak from the standpoint of young mother who lost her whole life to hard drugs, including her child.
I’ve heard it all from the societal point of view already. “If you loved your child, you wouldn’t continue to use drugs.” “How can you pick drugs over your child?” “It’s sad your child wasn’t reason enough for you to get your life together.” Trust me when I say as a mother, it’s natural to want to do everything possible to take care of your child. The emotional turmoil, guilt, and desperation linked to being stuck in active addiction, in addition to the lack of overall support and the judgmental derogatory bullshit that gets projected upon us mothers whom struggle is why success stories and triumph in recovery can be very limited.
My journey to finding sobriety as a mother was marked with a range of emotions, feelings of immense hopelessness to despair, and involved a continuous cycle of trying to break free from my addiction’s hold. Shit did not happen overnight, and there were moments that were far from pretty… but I made it. If you are someone who is experiencing similar hardships know this: you are not alone, and you are all the most capable of putting it all behind you and regaining a beautiful life for yourself, and your child(children). I promise!
There is nothing worse than the emotional rollercoaster as mother I was stuck on while in active addiction. Feelings of guilt, helplessness, and the constant struggle to do what’s best for my child were enough to tear me down over and over again every single day.
When I found out I had unexpectedly gotten pregnant back in 2014 I was a chronic every day IV drug user. Panic immediately set it. I had no job, no stable place to live, no outside support, and no serious relationship with her father. Nothing. I set out at that time to seek outside help. I was able to find a program for young single mothers called Evelyn’s House. I thank God still to this day for the help I received, and the willingness and strength on my end that it took for me to reach the point of going to look for it. I knew there was no chance I could do this on my own. Being a new, young, single mother, with a serious drug problem, didn’t sound like it was about to set me and my child up for a bright and successful future. Prior to me getting pregnant I never found reason enough to really try and get clean. Now God gave me a reason. This was by no means an easy step to take. I had to uproot myself and go live in a totally different city. I had to completely leave behind all the “friends” I thought I had. I had to actively participate in outpatient treatment and stop using. It was a lot of drastic change, and with little to no one having any faith in me, I was certainly doubtful myself. But one thing was for sure - I was going to try like hell.
I was able to maintain absolute sobriety the entire course of my pregnancy. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Oct 16th, 2014 (Fallon). With the help I received while residing at Evelyn’s House, working a solid program, and following through with all the recommended treatment for that duration of time; I stayed clean.
When my daughter was a few months old, her father and I decided to try to give this whole “being a family” thing a go. I had moved out of the sober living facility, and we moved in together. This doesn’t go to blame one person or the other; but Fallon’s father and I were just not compatible. That relationship recked complete and utter havoc on the both of us. Things in a short amount of time went from good to literal hell. Long story short, I found myself back to using. Started with casually drinking, to drinking nonstop, then right back to hard drugs. Even though my continued excuse was that I never used around our daughter, it shouldn’t dismiss that my use greatly hindered me from being the mother I knew I could be, and the one she deserved.
It should come as no surprise, her father and I split up. This destroyed me. I felt like my entire life, and only purpose I had to ever want to be better or do better was ripped right away from me. When we split up, I was left with nowhere to reside, no vehicle, and no employment as I was a stay-at-home mother. I had been taking care of Fallon every single day for the whole first year of her life now. It was in this moment, the realization of what my use had just caused me to lose. Her father brought me to court to establish custody, and due to the current circumstances, I had to make what is still to this day the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my entire life.
That day in court, I willingly signed over custody of our daughter to him. Everything in me in this moment was shattered. I knew not that I wasn’t capable of taking care of her, and for sure that I didn’t love her. It was because I loved her more than anything in this world, that I forced myself to make the decision that I did. It would be totally unfair to her, if I fought for her and took custody and ripped her from her security and stability. It was due to my using that I was in the predicament I was in, and now without any of the proper resources established to give her the life she so much deserved. I couldn’t be that selfish. I remember walking out of the court room feeling absolutely numb. I remember looking over to her father's smug face, and saying “I’ll never forgive you for this, and I’ll hate you for the rest of my life.” I needed someone to blame in that moment, and it was him.
You would think after going through all that, and losing your child that it would ignite motivation within me to go right out there and fix up my entire life. Complete opposite. The depression and self-hatred I was faced with after that day is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone else to ever have to go through and experience. I know what some of you might be thinking, “Well you did this to yourself!” Might be true. But let me say this; if for one fleeting moment you think that the realization of allowing a substance and my inability to stopping picking it up and it is causing me to lose everything and everyone I ever loved or cared about wasn’t enough of a smack in the face YOU’RE VERY WRONG. Even though us addicts may have major character defects, and major internal work that needs to be done, we are still human.
After this point, I did what most assumed I would do - I went out and numbed every sour emotion I had residing in me. My using went full force. Every day I woke up to realize I was living the same nightmare over and over again; my daughter wasn’t around, I had no purpose, I had nothing. I stopped caring or did everything in my power to try to stop caring.
My addiction shortly after landed me in jail. I sat in there for a year and got to sit with myself and my actions. I didn’t see my daughter once that entire time. It was a mutual agreement on me and her father's behalf that I was not going to expose her to the elements of where and what my addiction had led me to. I didn’t want her coming into the jail and sitting there across from me in an orange jumpsuit, around countless other inmates, and being able to give me one hug and have to walk right back out those doors when visitation was up.
When I got out of jail, my recovery journey from then on out was far from linear. It took me time. It took me multiple occurrences of falling and getting back up. It took outside help. It took an incredible amount of self-discipline, self-reflection, accountability, and determination. While others who had no idea what personal struggle I was truly working my way through, I handled great critique, judgement, and cruel remarks. It’s challenging to not let those stand in the way of admiring progressing made, and your willingness to keep going. This is your reminder if you need one. Keep going. Keep fighting.
What no one really realizes while sitting there on the outside looking in, is that I by no means was out there “living my best life.” One of the biggest misconceptions was that I wiped my hands of my daughter, I was a terrible mother, and that I was partying my life away. Ya, it was a party alright. Do you know how hard it can be to get up everyday, and be required to do your best… when your reason for wanting to be your best isn’t right in front of your face anymore? Finding sobriety is what everyone wanted, it’s what I wanted. However, the road to get there was not easy. I knew I had to fulfill my roll in taking care of myself, before I could ever be able to properly take care of her. What that looked like was a lot of time in separation.
“ I will never stop writing my story in ink. I need to leave my children with proof that pain can be transformed into beauty.”
They tell you you can’t get clean for anyone but yourself. As much as that does hold true, you still have another long list of “why’s” Mine was Fallon. As I started navigating my sobriety, I started to regain a sense of self-worth, and the desire to remain abstinent from substances for my own well-being. However, my biggest motivator was her. My biggest motivator was the hope of having a wonderful and happy future with her in it. My motivator was the thought of my daughter growing up and having to tell people “My mom died.” and having it be because of drugs. My motivator was the thought of her having to go throughout her entire life without me in it. Robbing her of truly fulfilling memories and milestones all because I would put her in a position where I would be void. Ya, I couldn’t allow that to happen.
“When You Love Someone They Become Your Reason”
I genuinely thought once I got sober things would fall into place and be a cakewalk. I got off the stuff. Life should be all skittles and rainbows from here on out, right? No. Life didn’t go from one extreme to the next like that. I spent countless years destroying everything in my path; it only makes sense that it takes a sufficient amount of time to rebuild it. And it did. But don’t let this discourage you. I share the raw truth of my story, because it can resonate and be familiar with other realities. It is the reality. Once we get clean, sometimes we tend to think things automatically turn picture perfect, and that’s just not the case. It takes time, the ability to make one right decision after the next. Consistency, and the desire to get up every day and not give up on yourself.
I used to sit there and question if my child's life was better without me in it. I used to believe at certain moments, that I was right. That she didn’t need me, and she was better off without me. That’s far from the truth. I had this counselor of mine one time tell me, “You need to try to see yourself through your child's eyes. Your child doesn’t care if you are the president of the United States or if you’re a drug addict. Your child see’s, loves, and knows you as their mom.” That one statement hit me: hard. It’s so true, even though we might be aware of our downfalls, and the things hindering us from being the best parent, we need to not lose the desire to start showing up for our children in the same sense that they perceive us. Every child needs their mother, and their father. Don’t ever think they don’t.
While I was in active addiction, and while I was focusing on getting sober as well, I missed out on a lot of my daughter’s life. I missed out on some major milestones; potty training, losing her first tooth, her first haircut, her first day of school, birthdays, holidays, dance recitals, etc. As hard as it is to carry remorse for those things, it’s critical that you give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself. Look forward to the road ahead with a smile; knowing that by getting sober you have endless memories to look forward to now that you do get to be a part of.
Today, I have maintained my sobriety. I am able to see and be an active part of my daughter’s life. She is now 9 years old. I have also recently given birth to another baby girl who is about to be 2 months old. Every day I get to fully show up for both of my girls. I get to witness them grow, learn, and be the miracles God always intended for them to be in my life. I’m telling you the hardships you have to get through to get here are all well worth it. Any feelings of doubt you might be having, throw that shit right out the window. Your babies need you.
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My Reasons ( December 2024)
